Some of you might not know this, but I'm an avid movie watcher. I'll watch almost anything as long as it's an hour and a half or longer. There is something about that format that always gets a rise out of me. So why not write an occasional review once in awhile for the 3-4 of my faithful readers out there?
However, I didn't want my movie reviews to be like every other movie reviews out there. Let's face it, there are two kind of movie reviews out there. Reviews from critics, wannabe critics, artfags, and/or film geeks. Then there are reviews from regular old joe schmoes, fan boys, and every men. Why not put both of them together to give you 2 perspectives in one experience?
Yes, people, this is my brainchild. I present to you Geek vs. Freak at the Movies. As you might've guessed, I'll be the movie freak just telling it how I see it. While I'll handpick a film student/geek/critic every now and then to offset my lack of film knowledge. You'll get the perspective of a knowledgeable movie type a guy and the perspective of just a regular movie goer like myself. Today's geek is a poster at the Philaflava boards named The Drunken Poet. LOL, sounds like a nickname someone from the Wutang Clan might have but this dude knows his stuff since he's a film student. The movie we will be critiquing is Grindhouse, written and directed by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino.
The Drunken Poet:
The new Grindhouse experience has finally arrived. As a meta-film, Grindhouse can be pretentious and grating, as just a theater-going experience the film can be special.
Rodriguez’s Planet Terror isn’t much different than the action porn he’s been effectively spitting out for the last decade, but this time it’s done with more reckless abandonment than ever before. I mean that in a good way. It’s a zombie action picture film in fast forward, complete with spurting florescent red blood and a sludgy synthesizer score. Writing has never been Rodriguez’s strong suit and the same problems plague him, he still worries more about making his hero look as bad-ass possible as he plunges butterfly knives into head-throbbing zombies, than dramatic structure, but this time around your more willing to give him the free pass. The most tickling moments come from the tough-in-cheek grossness of Josh Brolin, as a sleazy unethical doctor. Planet Terror is one smug action piece but it’s not without it’s own charm. Like Rodriguez’s other works, it wears thin, especially when Tarantino pops up to mug the camera for a bit, but as a homage to Carpenter, Romero, and Fulci, Planet Terror can be a wonderful thing.
In Death Proof, Tarantino utilizes the fact that we’re watching an exploitation film, and uses that shield to get away with anything. It’s no simpler than a car chase film about a psychotic stunt driver hunting sexy girls. His script is far from perfect and stinks of self-indulgence, but it’s a fun little opus. Death Proof’s narrative is fuzzy, the dialogue is lengthy and irrelevant, and the characters are less important than they seem. But there’s something undeniably alluring about watching the foxy Sydney Poetier chatter away to her entourage about weed, men, and classic rock. Stuntman Mike is a charming breed of psychopath and a terrifically original Tarantino creation. QT is having fun, and so are we, waiting for the inevitable over the top climax. By the time, we meet the next set of girls, the setup may feel a bit tired but it’s all worth it to get unforgettable car chase. The conclusion might’ve been even more effective if there were less inside jokes, and more focus on suspense. That being said it’s still quite a spectacle, and the point is not to invest too much brainpower. Even if we’re not getting all of his jokes, it’s still interesting to be caught up in Tarantino’s mind, as he references as much as possible: Russ Meyers, Jack Hill, Monte Hellmann, a slew of 60 and 70s road pictures, and of course, the slasher film. Death Proof is a welcome celebration to pleasure cinema, cramming as much titillation as possible, and leaving the logic locked up in the trunk.
The legendary fake trailers may be the most effective sequence and faithful tribute in the entire film. Not only do they demonstrate the true artform that is the movie trailer, but they are also the closest things to actually resembling the retro B-movie experience. Where Planet Terror and Death Proof eventually succumbs to auteur-ish weaknesses, the trailers are short and strong enough to really nail the joke and leave you wanting more. Edgar Wright’s trailer is particularly brilliant in its mock of the classic British ghost film and the madcap advertising of yesteryear.
QT and Rodriguez had one singular goal to reinvigorate the theater going experience from the glory days of old. And in this era of obtrusive advertising, over-priced food and drinks, and the blitzkrieg of Internet culture, I appreciate their quest. Two film-geeks are reminding us why we went to the theaters in the first place, it was experience you could never get anywhere else. It’s both unfortunate and ironic that the film is turning out to be a box office dud.
Hasib:
In my opinion, a popcorn flick has 4 important elements to it. Let's go over them:
1) Action (if people aren't shooting, getting shot at, stabbing, getting stabbed, fighting, or practicing ninjitsu.....it is not a true popcorn flick.)
2) Gore (if blood isn't a result of shooting, getting shot at, stabbing, getting stabbed, fighting, or practicing ninjitsu.....the popcorn flick is failing miserably.)
3) Hot chicks (I need something to look at during the respite between each action sequence.)
4) Nudity (I need something to look at while I'm looking at these hot chicks.)
Grindhouse knocks all of these elements out the park and more.
First off, let me talk about the faux trailers. The first fake trailer of the movie was "Machete" about a mexican federale that fucks up people with blades, knives, and machetes. DOPE. There was also a trailer called "Don't" which was a mock trailer of old school horror movies. Definitely LOL worthy. However, imo, the two best trailers of the movie were "Werewomen of the S.S." and "Thanksgiving". The former was about the Nazis creating Werewomen in their labs to use them as super soliders in WWII. Appearance by Nicholas Cage as Fu Man Chu puts it over the top. The latter was easily the best trailer imo. It was about a serial killer dressed as a pilgrim running rampant in a town during Thanksgiving. Some gruesomely awesome scenes in this trailer make this one of the greatest trailers I've ever seen.
The first movie that we are presented with is Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror, which is a zombie movie that takes place in West Bumblefuck, Texas. I'll tell you right now, I'm a sucker for zombie movies so I might be a little biased. This movie fucking rocked. Action packed throughout. Also some nice nudity since the first scene takes place at a go go bar. In fact, the opening credits is pretty much Rose McGowan looking sexy and go go dancing. This is ironic because later on in the movie, Rose will have a go go gadget leg. All the popcorn flick elements are here as well as the zombie movie stable of "terrible dialogue". Needless to say, I loved it. Freddy Rodriguez kills it as he's ultra bad ass as El Wray. His kill count almost reaches infinity in this flick as does Rose McGowan after a machine gun is attached to her leg after a zombie eats it off. And honestly, does anyone blame that zombie for running off with Rose McGowan's leg? If I saw Rose McGowan on the street, I'm straight chopping off her right tit with a battle axe and I'm selling it on Ebay. Another nice touch is Rodriguez adding Sayid from Lost into the cast. Affirmative action at it's best right here. In fact, one of the best moments in the movie belongs to Sayid in his last scene in the movie. Overall, this movie gets an A- because I was totally geeked out while watching this movie.
Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof was next. Let me just come out and say it. Tarantino knows how to cast some baaaaad chicks in his movies. If I had a T-Mobile account, then Sydney Tamiia Potier, Vanessa Ferlito, Rosario Dawson (SHAAAAAA-WING), Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Tracie Thorns would be one of the best 5s of all time guaranteed. Anyways, this movie is basically about Kurt Russell being a bad ass testosterone junky who liked to kill chicks with his car. Great premise for a movie. There are serious feminist undertones in this movie but so what? The chicks is bad ass and hot. Kurt Russell kills his role. Stuntchick Zoe Bell puts in a surprisingly solid performance. The only problem is that the movie gets a little talky at times. However, I feel the sick car chase and the ending super cedes that and makes this a really fucking entertaining movie. I give a B. I would've given it a B+ if there was more Rosario Dawson.
So Grindhouse is a movie that both the Geek and Freak recommend to moviegoers.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Episode 19: Baddest TV Chicks since 2000
After reading a fellow blogger named Kalel's blog this morning, I took time out of my sports writing to deviate out of the norm. I was in the process of writing my humongous baseball preview but after reading this dude's blog, I had to come with a counter blog. OMFG WTF?!?!? What would warrant me to write a counter blog?
I'll tell you what.
He wrote a blog about who he thought was the top 10 hottest chicks that appear on our TVs once in awhile. First of all, there was no clear set of rules to abide by. So any chick was game. Also, he had some strange picks as to who he decided was a bad bitch. Don't trust a hipster who shaves his eyebrow like a video game character would to do a man's job.
So let me lay out the ground work.
Rule #1- You had to be on TV for a whole season.
Rule #2- Being on TV doesn't mean being in a music video. It also doesn't mean having a promo done on you or being interviewed for TRL, Entertainment Tonight, Extra, The Insider, E!, Best Week Ever, or any other celebrity shows or gossip shows.
Rule #3- You have to be Hot.
On to the list!!!!!
15. Kristen Kreuk
Smallville
-Once you look into her eyes, you are sucked in and you'll never come out. LOL @ being sucked in and never coming out. That wasn't on purpose, I swear.
14. Gillian Anderson
X-Files
-I always had a soft spot in my heart for Agent Dana Scully. She could make a Alien Autopsy watchable. Being redheaded never hurts and she had no problem sticking it to the Man. The Cigarette Smoking Man that is.
13. Jessica Simpson
Newleyweds
-The irony of wanting a dumbo to give me brain. That's not the last corny joke, people. I got more where that came from.
12. Nadia Bjorlin
Days of our Lives
-Thick Iranian piece of ass right heah.
11. Alyssa Milano
Charmed
-Sexy little TV slore that's seen more hard balls aimed at her face then Derek Jeter has when he's up at the plate against the Red Sox.
10. Eliza Dushku
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Tru Calling
-A bad bitch that kills Evil creatures like vampires with stakes. Similar to me in that I'm a bad boy that kills evil creatures like Jews with AKs and dynamite. We have so much in common! I think I got a shot.
9. Lisa Raye
All of Us
-One of the most slamming chicks to ever grace my TV set.
8. Vanessa Marcil
Las Vegas
-I'd love to wipe that mole of her face. Wipe it off with my, well, you know. I'm trying to keep my blog PG-13. I write my blog for the kids. Cause I LUH DA KIDS. Not in a catholic priest type of way though. I keep it strictly professional like Barney.
7. Jessica Biel
7th Heaven
-Did you see the ass on her? What are parents feeding these white chicks nowadays? Fried Chicken? Shit is unreal. She reminds me of my Jeep, son.
6. Elisha Cuthbert
24
-We need to start a countdown to the day where she takes it all off for playboy.
5. Tiffani Thiessen
Fastlane
-Fastlane only lasted one season but Tiff dominated throughout that one season. The producers of the show was like "let's see how many hot chicks we can get to guest star on our show" and Tiff bodied every single one of em. I wonder if Bill Bellamy tried to get with that. If he didn't, he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I just prefer not to be gay. In my honest opinion, even gay people should try to tap Double T. She's that hot.
4. Kelly Hu
Martial Law, In Case of Emergency
-I don't care what martial arts she knows, I'd most definitely beat that.
3. Brooke Burke
Wild on E!
-I was not watching this show to check out vacation spots. Trust me. This chicks abs after giving birth to like 3 kids is unbelievable.
2. Melyssa Ford
BET Style
-BUILT FORD TOUGH. BECAUSE THIS IS OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR COUNTRY.
1. Jessica Alba
Dark Angel
There shouldn't even be a question about this. No one watched this sci fi show for it's terrible plot. Flipper was much better then this heaping pile of feces. But I don't watch flipper anymore cause I feel creepy about it. I feel like Chris Hansen is about to walk into my room at any moment and point to my collection of Flipper VHS tapes and start yelling "WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU!?!?" Chill dogg, that's why James Cameron made Dark Angel.
Honorable Mentions: Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives, Young and the Restless), Trish Stratus (WWE), Hayden Pantyhairy (Heroes), Evangeline Lilly (Lost)
I'll tell you what.
He wrote a blog about who he thought was the top 10 hottest chicks that appear on our TVs once in awhile. First of all, there was no clear set of rules to abide by. So any chick was game. Also, he had some strange picks as to who he decided was a bad bitch. Don't trust a hipster who shaves his eyebrow like a video game character would to do a man's job.
So let me lay out the ground work.
Rule #1- You had to be on TV for a whole season.
Rule #2- Being on TV doesn't mean being in a music video. It also doesn't mean having a promo done on you or being interviewed for TRL, Entertainment Tonight, Extra, The Insider, E!, Best Week Ever, or any other celebrity shows or gossip shows.
Rule #3- You have to be Hot.
On to the list!!!!!
15. Kristen Kreuk
Smallville
-Once you look into her eyes, you are sucked in and you'll never come out. LOL @ being sucked in and never coming out. That wasn't on purpose, I swear.
14. Gillian Anderson
X-Files
-I always had a soft spot in my heart for Agent Dana Scully. She could make a Alien Autopsy watchable. Being redheaded never hurts and she had no problem sticking it to the Man. The Cigarette Smoking Man that is.
13. Jessica Simpson
Newleyweds
-The irony of wanting a dumbo to give me brain. That's not the last corny joke, people. I got more where that came from.
12. Nadia Bjorlin
Days of our Lives
-Thick Iranian piece of ass right heah.
11. Alyssa Milano
Charmed
-Sexy little TV slore that's seen more hard balls aimed at her face then Derek Jeter has when he's up at the plate against the Red Sox.
10. Eliza Dushku
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Tru Calling
-A bad bitch that kills Evil creatures like vampires with stakes. Similar to me in that I'm a bad boy that kills evil creatures like Jews with AKs and dynamite. We have so much in common! I think I got a shot.
9. Lisa Raye
All of Us
-One of the most slamming chicks to ever grace my TV set.
8. Vanessa Marcil
Las Vegas
-I'd love to wipe that mole of her face. Wipe it off with my, well, you know. I'm trying to keep my blog PG-13. I write my blog for the kids. Cause I LUH DA KIDS. Not in a catholic priest type of way though. I keep it strictly professional like Barney.
7. Jessica Biel
7th Heaven
-Did you see the ass on her? What are parents feeding these white chicks nowadays? Fried Chicken? Shit is unreal. She reminds me of my Jeep, son.
6. Elisha Cuthbert
24
-We need to start a countdown to the day where she takes it all off for playboy.
5. Tiffani Thiessen
Fastlane
-Fastlane only lasted one season but Tiff dominated throughout that one season. The producers of the show was like "let's see how many hot chicks we can get to guest star on our show" and Tiff bodied every single one of em. I wonder if Bill Bellamy tried to get with that. If he didn't, he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. I just prefer not to be gay. In my honest opinion, even gay people should try to tap Double T. She's that hot.
4. Kelly Hu
Martial Law, In Case of Emergency
-I don't care what martial arts she knows, I'd most definitely beat that.
3. Brooke Burke
Wild on E!
-I was not watching this show to check out vacation spots. Trust me. This chicks abs after giving birth to like 3 kids is unbelievable.
2. Melyssa Ford
BET Style
-BUILT FORD TOUGH. BECAUSE THIS IS OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR COUNTRY.
1. Jessica Alba
Dark Angel
There shouldn't even be a question about this. No one watched this sci fi show for it's terrible plot. Flipper was much better then this heaping pile of feces. But I don't watch flipper anymore cause I feel creepy about it. I feel like Chris Hansen is about to walk into my room at any moment and point to my collection of Flipper VHS tapes and start yelling "WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU!?!?" Chill dogg, that's why James Cameron made Dark Angel.
Honorable Mentions: Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives, Young and the Restless), Trish Stratus (WWE), Hayden Pantyhairy (Heroes), Evangeline Lilly (Lost)
Episode 20: Baseball is Back
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYYYYYYYYYYY
Baseball is back and I feel invigorated. You know what that means? POPA'S BASEBALL PICKS AND PREVIEW FOR 2007!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's get cracking!!!!
National League West:
1. San Diego Padres
-The Good: The Pitching Staff is great. Maybe the best in the NL. Peavy and Young are Cy Young candidates. Greg Maddux and David Wells are veterans that throw nothing but strikes which could mean good things in that ballpark. Arguably, the best bullpen in the NL with Hoffman, Meredith, and Linebrink leading the way. Adrian Gonzalez is a rising star and Kouzmanoff might be a good power hitter. If Khalil Greene, stays healthy.....he can be good. He's also the first white person to ever be named Khalil for real. Kalel is jealous.......mainly because he's not white.
The Bad: Their hitting is real bad. They need the Giles brothers to hit like they did a couple years ago. Marcus might be able to but Brian might be too old. They are starting Termell Sledge in left field. LOL. They need a solid lefty out of the bullpen.
2. Colorado Rockies
The Good: Their Hitting is terrific. Matt Holliday, Garrett Atkins, and Todd Helton can carry the whole offense. But they might not have to with youngsters like Troy "I'm not Dirk" Tulowitzki and Chris Iannetta in the fold. If Wily Taveras can consistently get on base, this offense can put up some huge numbers. Brian Fuentes is pretty consistent as their closer. Jeff Francis is a competent #1 Starter.
The Bad: Their starting pitching outside of Jeff Francis has the potential to be real bad. Their bullpen outside of Fuentes can be either good or real atrocious.
3. LA Dodgers
The Good: They have an extremely well rounded lineup. They have some good players at the top of the lineup in Rafael Furcal and Juan Pierre, a couple of professional hitters in Nomar, Kent, and Luis Gonzalez, and some nice young players in Andre Ethier and Russell Martin. The top of the rotation is strong with Jason Schmidt, Brad Penny, and Derek Lowe. Saito as the closer last year was lights out and Broxton is a very good set up man.
The Bad: Not much depth in the bullpen outside of Saito and Broxton. Schmidt was inconsistent last year. Penny self destructed in the second half. If starting pitching doesn't pitch up to their ability, they might have to bring future ace Chad Billingsley into the rotation which could potentially make the bullpen even thinner.
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
The Good: The starting rotation is solid with Brandon Webb, Randy Johnson, Livan Hernandez, and Doug Davis. The offense has alot of potential with players like Chris Young, Carlos Quentin, Stephen Drew, Miguel Montero, and Conor Jackson.
The Bad: That bullpen looks awful. Jose Valverde is their closer? Which Valverde will they see? The lights out in the second half Valverde or the Jose that was throwing Valverde cheese in the first half of the season? They are very inexperienced and young in the lineup.
5. San Francisco Giants
The Good: They have a pretty solid rotation in Barry Zito, Matt Cain, Matt Morris, and Noah "Don't mistake me for Mike" Lowry. That alone can keep them in the race. Barry Bonds is looking to hit Home Run 756 this year.
The Bad: Barry Bonds is looking to hit Home run 756 this year. 75% of their lineup can start picking up social security checks right now. In fact, the average age of their lineup is 52. LOL @ Armando Benitez being their closer. They are pretty much inviting teams to beat them in the 9th inning.
National League Central:
1. Milwaukee Brewers
The Good: They have a lot of young talent ready to bust, no homo. Prince Fielder, Rickie Weeks, Corey Hart, and JJ Hardy (lol, only in baseball would you find someone named JJ. Wait. What? There's a basketball player that goes by JJ? He went to Duke? That explains everything) all have some promise. Bill Hall broke out last year meanwhile Geoff Jenkins and Johnny Estrada are professional hitters. Their Starting pitching looks real strong with Cy Young candidate Ben Sheets and solid hurlers like Capuano, Dave Bush (No relation to the president. Millions of terrorists targeting this guy everywhere just all sighed at the same time), and World Series MVP, Jeff Suppan.
The Bad: I don't know how you can look at their bullpen and think that they are going to close out games. Thankfully, everyone else in the division is also questionable in the bullpen. They are also starting Craig Counsell (how does this guy still have a starting job?) at third base.....which isn't that bad considering that he is caddying for Braun.
2. St. Louis Cardinals
The Good: Pujols and Carpenter. Pretty good defensive team.
The Bad: The rest of the team other then Pujols and Carpenter. It seems like they are slowly trying build their team up the middle with Angel retreads like Edmonds, Kennedy, Eckstein and Molina (he played his whole career with the Cards but both his brothers played for the Angels). They are going back to Izzy even after how terrible he's looked? Their starting rotation includes two converted relievers even though Wainwright has some promise.
3. Cincinatti Reds
The Good: They have some punch in the lineup with Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr. if he stays healthy, and Edwin Encarnacion. Ryan Freel is a sparkplug that can play any position. Their top two starters are solid in Harang and Arroyo plus their future ace, Homer Bailey (lol, he's named after two cartoon characters) will be up by mid-season. If Josh "Heroin" Hamilton lives up to the hype, they need to move Dunn to first to make room for him in the outfield.
The Bad: Closer by Committees never work. Reds, did you watch the Red Sox in 2004? Can Brandon Phillips repeat what he did last year? The whole team's batting average is going to suck. They have to Twins retreads in the starting rotation in Milton and Kyle Lohse. At any time during a game, Josh Hamilton can start convulsing on the field from ODing.
4. Houston Astros
The Good: Arguably the best lineup in the NL Central. Carlos Lee is going to feast in that ballpark. He also might feast outside of ballparks in general. He's fat. That's what i'm trying to say. You know how Dids lost all that weight? I think it's slowly getting transferred to Carlos Lee's body. Some kind of Lipsuction Mental Transfer ability. Crazy Tangent. Anyways, Berkman's a beast. Luke Scott and Chris Burke could be sleepers this year. Oswalt is arguably the best starter in the NL.
The Bad: Biggio is still playing even though he looked real bad last year. The guy's an all time great but it might be time to move on. The Starting pitching after Oswalt doesn't look pretty. They need the Rocket in a bad way. Are we going to see Dr. Jekyll Lidge or Mr. Hyde Lidge?
5. Chicago Cubs
The Good: You know how I said that the Astros could have the best lineup in the NL Central? The Cubs can compete with them bat for bat. Everyone knows what Derek Lee, Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano can do. Michael Barrett is a solid catcher. Carlos Zambrano is Stud and due to make a lot of money as a free agent at the end of the year.
The Bad: Carlos Zambrano is due to make a lot of money as a free agent at the end of the year. Might not be from the Cubs though. I don't know if Soriano leading off is a really good idea. You could use his slugging in the middle of the lineup. Their bullpen is scary bad. Ryan Dempster is a major league closer? I think Kyra Sedgwick would do a better job then Ryan Dempster at being a Closer. Ok, that was my one corny joke about closers.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
The Good: Jason Bay
The Bad: The Whole team other then Jason Bay. Counting down to the days that Andrew McCutchen makes his debut.
National League East:
1. Philedelphia Phillies
The Good: The heart of this team is Rollins, Utley, and Howard. The Starting rotation is strong with Myers, Garcia, and Hamels and the bullpen looks solid as well.
The Bad: Their 3rd base sitaution has looked abysmal for years. Their OF looks inconsistent. Rowand is a great defensive OFer but will give you little at the plate. Burrell can either be a stiff or a monster at the plate. Philly fans have faith in Victorino. Let's see if he lives up to the hype. If Brett Myers starts wearing wifebeaters in the clubhouse, eyebrows will be raised everywhere.
2. Atlanta Braves
The Good: Well rounded team. Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones, Brian McCann, Jeff Francouer, and Edgar Renteria make up a pretty good lineup. Smoltz, Hudson and Chuck James look like they'll round out a solid starting rotation. Meanwhile the bullpen looks real good as well.
The Bad: Can Kelly Johnson replace Marcus Giles? Did Kelly Kapowski turn down their starting first baseman job? and can Bob Wickman come up with another good year in his fat body? Can Jeff Francouer draw a walk?
3. New York Mets
The Good: Best lineup in the NL. Jose Reyes is the best SS in the NL. David Wright is hella cute. Carlos Beltran is a MVP candidate. Bullpen could be very strong.
The Bad: For a team with World Series aspirations, they have a lot of question marks. The starting rotation has more holes then the jeans in the hipster stores that Symantiks shops at. Their Bullpen already has some question marks going into the season with Duaner Sanchez out for a few months and Mota being suspended for BALCO. The Mets are actually serious about using Burgos out of their pen. No really, it's not a joke. Most of the players on this team shouldn't be playing baseball but should be extras for the sequel to Grumpy Old Men. Their is a solid chance Omar Minaya might trade David Wright for a Hispanic third baseman.
4. Florida Marlins
The Good: When Josh Johnson comes back, their top 4 in the rotation will look very good. Miguel Cabrera is a top 5 hitter in the NL. Hanley Ramirez is a poor man's Jose Reyes.
The Bad: Their OF is in shambles. Their bullpen is atrocious. They are relying on Jorge Julio to close out games for them. Miguel Cabrera is the only accomplished hitter in the Florida lineup.
5. Washington Nationals
The Good: Ryan Zimmerman.
The Bad: The rest of the team. Could be the worst team of all time.
American League West:
1. LA Angels
The Good: Maybe the most well rounded team in the AL. They have good starting pitching with John Lackey, Ervin Santana, Kelvim Escobar, and Jered Weaver. Their lineup is solid with Vlad leading the way. Bullpen is good as well.
The Bad: Other then Gary Matthews Jr.'s hat size being 2 sizes smaller? What can you expect from the guy? What can you expect from Garrett Anderson? Will Jered Weaver revert to Jeff Weaver mode?
2. Oakland A's
The Good: Their pitching is pretty fucking good. Adding Mike Piazza and making him DH was a stroke of genius.
The Bad: I can't see them hitting a damn thing outside of Piazza and Swisher.
3. Texas Rangers
The Good: Teixeira and Michael Young are damn good players. Otsuka is lights as a reliever. Ian Kinsler might be Jewish but he's a damn good ball player.
The Bad: Will anyone in their starting rotation step up? Millwood, Padilla, McCarthy?!?! Anyone?!?!? Gagne was a terrible investment for the Rangers. Their OF looks very average right now.
4. Seattle Mariners
The Good: Ichiro is still a top 10 player in the American League and they have some solid players around him in Ibanez, Beltre, Sexson, Johjima. If King Felix pitches up to potential, he can be a monster. They have a Putz closing for them. No really. His name is J.J. Putz. Yep, another baseball player named J.J. What'd I tell ya?
The Bad: After Felix, no one on this team really pitches that well. So if Felix doesn't come through this year, the pitching staff is in big doo doo. Also, this team doesn't get on base a whole much. They ranked 4th from last in On Base % last year. Pretty pitiful.
American League Central:
1. Detroit Tigers
The Good: A very good team that got better. They play extremely good defense. Their pitching is great starting with Bonderman and Verlander. They needed a big bopper in the offseason and acquired Gary Sheffield. Carlos Guillen might be one of the most underrated players in baseball. The bullpen is great too with T. Jones, Zumaya and Rodney.
The Bad: I still think they can use one more hitter. Also, if the whole team starts playing Guitar Hero, they can kiss their World Series hopes goodbye.
2. Minnesota Twins
The Good: It all starts with Johan Santana. You can argue that he is the best player in baseball. Mauer, Morneau, and Cuddy make up a very good 3-4-5. Bullpen is stellar.
The Bad: The Starting Rotation after Johan is patchwork. If Torii Hunter can't stay healthy, not alot of hitting besides the big three. We will not hear the end of Myjah throughout the whole baseball season.
3. Cleveland Indians
The Good: V-mart, Sizemore, and Hafner make up the heart of the lineup. If Hafner played in a big market, he'd be considered a superstar. Josh Barfield looks in line to have a break out season. C.C. (Not CeeCee) Sabathia is a damn good pitcher.
The Bad: Peralta and Marte have to start playing more consistently. Rotation after Sabathia looks iffy. Bullpen doesn't look too healthy right now. Neither does CC Sabathia after a trip to Mickey D's.
4. Chicago White Sox
The Good: Arguably the most talented team in the division.
The Bad: The talent is all old or inconsistent.
5. Kansas City Royals
The Good: Not as bad as you think. Teahen, Shealy, and Gordon make up a good core. Plus when Butler comes up, the lineup will be stacked.
The Bad: Holy Hochevar!!! Where's the pitching?!?!?!
American League East:
1. New York Yankees
The Good: The Best lineup in baseball. The best bullpen in the division. Derek Jeter is dreamy. They have a lot of money and you don't. For some reason, I think A-rod's going to kill it this year. It could be the fact that he's in a contract year. Or it could be the fact that he's actually speaking up without caring about the repercussions. Whatever it is, there's something different about A-rod and it showed during spring training.
The Bad: The rotation doesn't look championship ready. It needs Phil Hughes and the Rocket right now. Yankee haters can't wait to see Mientkiewicz at the plate in a big spot. Predictions on his average? I'm setting the over/under at .180.
2. Boston Red Sox
The Good: Schilling, Beckett, and Dice-K leading the starting rotation. It was smart putting Papelbon back into the closer role. Big Papi and Manny can carry a whole offense by themselves.
The Bad: What if Pap can't stay healthy? The bullpen without papelbon is atrocious. Schilling is old and Beckett's penis falls off when he sees a blister. JD Drew? LOL LOL LOL LOL. I can't wait for a Yankee fan to throw a battery at him in right field.
3. Toronto Blue Jays
The Good: Vernon Wells and Troy Glaus are monsters. Alex Rios is one injury free season away from being a star. Plus they added Big Hurt. Halladay is a stud and BJ Ryan might be the nastiest closer in baseball.
The Bad: They play in the AL East.
4. Baltimore Orioles
The Good: Their first three starting pitchers look promising (Bedard, Daniel Cabrera, Loewen). Everyone knows about Tejada and Markakis looks primed for a breakout season.
The Bad: Their whole lineup looks average. They play in the AL East.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The Good: in 2 years, could have the best OF in baseball in Dukes, Young, and Crawford. Kazmir needs to lower his walk total before he's considered a legit ace but he's almost there.
The Bad: Team is way too young. No pitching outside of Kazmir. They Play in the AL East.
NL Wild Card Team: Atlanta Braves
AL Wild Card Team: Boston Red Sox
10 players ready to Breakout:
Stephen Drew
Nick Markakis
Delmon Young
King Felix
Ian Kinsler
Josh Barfield
Rickie Weeks
Chris Young (the OFer)
Edwin Encarnacion
Erik Bedard
Matt cain
AL Rookie of the Year:
1. Dice-K
2. Delmon Young
3. Alex Gordon
4. Phil Hughes
5. Elijah Dukes
NL Rookie of the Year
1. Troy Tulowitzki
2. Homer Bailey
3. Chris Young
4. Ryan Braun
5. Kevin Kouzmanoff
AL Cy Young:
1. Johan Santana
2. Roy Halladay
3. Dice-K
4. Jeremy Bonderman
5. King Felix
NL Cy Young:
1. Roy Oswalt
2. Ben Sheets
3. Brandon Webb
4. Chris Carpenter
5. Carlos Zambrano
AL MVP:
1. Alex Rodriguez
2. Travis Hafner
3. Manny Ramirez
4. Vladimir Guerrero
5. Vernon Wells
NL MVP:
1. Albert Pujols
2. Derek Lee
3. Jose Reyes
4. Prince Fielder
5. Chase Utley
World Series Prediction:
Detroit Tigers over the Philedelphia Phillies
What, no Yankees?!?!?! Well, I might chance my pick to the Yankees if Roger Clemens signs and Phil Hughes is in the rotation. But until that happens, i'm not willing to hang my hat when their Starting rotation has more holes 24's plot lately.
Baseball is back and I feel invigorated. You know what that means? POPA'S BASEBALL PICKS AND PREVIEW FOR 2007!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's get cracking!!!!
National League West:
1. San Diego Padres
-The Good: The Pitching Staff is great. Maybe the best in the NL. Peavy and Young are Cy Young candidates. Greg Maddux and David Wells are veterans that throw nothing but strikes which could mean good things in that ballpark. Arguably, the best bullpen in the NL with Hoffman, Meredith, and Linebrink leading the way. Adrian Gonzalez is a rising star and Kouzmanoff might be a good power hitter. If Khalil Greene, stays healthy.....he can be good. He's also the first white person to ever be named Khalil for real. Kalel is jealous.......mainly because he's not white.
The Bad: Their hitting is real bad. They need the Giles brothers to hit like they did a couple years ago. Marcus might be able to but Brian might be too old. They are starting Termell Sledge in left field. LOL. They need a solid lefty out of the bullpen.
2. Colorado Rockies
The Good: Their Hitting is terrific. Matt Holliday, Garrett Atkins, and Todd Helton can carry the whole offense. But they might not have to with youngsters like Troy "I'm not Dirk" Tulowitzki and Chris Iannetta in the fold. If Wily Taveras can consistently get on base, this offense can put up some huge numbers. Brian Fuentes is pretty consistent as their closer. Jeff Francis is a competent #1 Starter.
The Bad: Their starting pitching outside of Jeff Francis has the potential to be real bad. Their bullpen outside of Fuentes can be either good or real atrocious.
3. LA Dodgers
The Good: They have an extremely well rounded lineup. They have some good players at the top of the lineup in Rafael Furcal and Juan Pierre, a couple of professional hitters in Nomar, Kent, and Luis Gonzalez, and some nice young players in Andre Ethier and Russell Martin. The top of the rotation is strong with Jason Schmidt, Brad Penny, and Derek Lowe. Saito as the closer last year was lights out and Broxton is a very good set up man.
The Bad: Not much depth in the bullpen outside of Saito and Broxton. Schmidt was inconsistent last year. Penny self destructed in the second half. If starting pitching doesn't pitch up to their ability, they might have to bring future ace Chad Billingsley into the rotation which could potentially make the bullpen even thinner.
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
The Good: The starting rotation is solid with Brandon Webb, Randy Johnson, Livan Hernandez, and Doug Davis. The offense has alot of potential with players like Chris Young, Carlos Quentin, Stephen Drew, Miguel Montero, and Conor Jackson.
The Bad: That bullpen looks awful. Jose Valverde is their closer? Which Valverde will they see? The lights out in the second half Valverde or the Jose that was throwing Valverde cheese in the first half of the season? They are very inexperienced and young in the lineup.
5. San Francisco Giants
The Good: They have a pretty solid rotation in Barry Zito, Matt Cain, Matt Morris, and Noah "Don't mistake me for Mike" Lowry. That alone can keep them in the race. Barry Bonds is looking to hit Home Run 756 this year.
The Bad: Barry Bonds is looking to hit Home run 756 this year. 75% of their lineup can start picking up social security checks right now. In fact, the average age of their lineup is 52. LOL @ Armando Benitez being their closer. They are pretty much inviting teams to beat them in the 9th inning.
National League Central:
1. Milwaukee Brewers
The Good: They have a lot of young talent ready to bust, no homo. Prince Fielder, Rickie Weeks, Corey Hart, and JJ Hardy (lol, only in baseball would you find someone named JJ. Wait. What? There's a basketball player that goes by JJ? He went to Duke? That explains everything) all have some promise. Bill Hall broke out last year meanwhile Geoff Jenkins and Johnny Estrada are professional hitters. Their Starting pitching looks real strong with Cy Young candidate Ben Sheets and solid hurlers like Capuano, Dave Bush (No relation to the president. Millions of terrorists targeting this guy everywhere just all sighed at the same time), and World Series MVP, Jeff Suppan.
The Bad: I don't know how you can look at their bullpen and think that they are going to close out games. Thankfully, everyone else in the division is also questionable in the bullpen. They are also starting Craig Counsell (how does this guy still have a starting job?) at third base.....which isn't that bad considering that he is caddying for Braun.
2. St. Louis Cardinals
The Good: Pujols and Carpenter. Pretty good defensive team.
The Bad: The rest of the team other then Pujols and Carpenter. It seems like they are slowly trying build their team up the middle with Angel retreads like Edmonds, Kennedy, Eckstein and Molina (he played his whole career with the Cards but both his brothers played for the Angels). They are going back to Izzy even after how terrible he's looked? Their starting rotation includes two converted relievers even though Wainwright has some promise.
3. Cincinatti Reds
The Good: They have some punch in the lineup with Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr. if he stays healthy, and Edwin Encarnacion. Ryan Freel is a sparkplug that can play any position. Their top two starters are solid in Harang and Arroyo plus their future ace, Homer Bailey (lol, he's named after two cartoon characters) will be up by mid-season. If Josh "Heroin" Hamilton lives up to the hype, they need to move Dunn to first to make room for him in the outfield.
The Bad: Closer by Committees never work. Reds, did you watch the Red Sox in 2004? Can Brandon Phillips repeat what he did last year? The whole team's batting average is going to suck. They have to Twins retreads in the starting rotation in Milton and Kyle Lohse. At any time during a game, Josh Hamilton can start convulsing on the field from ODing.
4. Houston Astros
The Good: Arguably the best lineup in the NL Central. Carlos Lee is going to feast in that ballpark. He also might feast outside of ballparks in general. He's fat. That's what i'm trying to say. You know how Dids lost all that weight? I think it's slowly getting transferred to Carlos Lee's body. Some kind of Lipsuction Mental Transfer ability. Crazy Tangent. Anyways, Berkman's a beast. Luke Scott and Chris Burke could be sleepers this year. Oswalt is arguably the best starter in the NL.
The Bad: Biggio is still playing even though he looked real bad last year. The guy's an all time great but it might be time to move on. The Starting pitching after Oswalt doesn't look pretty. They need the Rocket in a bad way. Are we going to see Dr. Jekyll Lidge or Mr. Hyde Lidge?
5. Chicago Cubs
The Good: You know how I said that the Astros could have the best lineup in the NL Central? The Cubs can compete with them bat for bat. Everyone knows what Derek Lee, Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano can do. Michael Barrett is a solid catcher. Carlos Zambrano is Stud and due to make a lot of money as a free agent at the end of the year.
The Bad: Carlos Zambrano is due to make a lot of money as a free agent at the end of the year. Might not be from the Cubs though. I don't know if Soriano leading off is a really good idea. You could use his slugging in the middle of the lineup. Their bullpen is scary bad. Ryan Dempster is a major league closer? I think Kyra Sedgwick would do a better job then Ryan Dempster at being a Closer. Ok, that was my one corny joke about closers.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
The Good: Jason Bay
The Bad: The Whole team other then Jason Bay. Counting down to the days that Andrew McCutchen makes his debut.
National League East:
1. Philedelphia Phillies
The Good: The heart of this team is Rollins, Utley, and Howard. The Starting rotation is strong with Myers, Garcia, and Hamels and the bullpen looks solid as well.
The Bad: Their 3rd base sitaution has looked abysmal for years. Their OF looks inconsistent. Rowand is a great defensive OFer but will give you little at the plate. Burrell can either be a stiff or a monster at the plate. Philly fans have faith in Victorino. Let's see if he lives up to the hype. If Brett Myers starts wearing wifebeaters in the clubhouse, eyebrows will be raised everywhere.
2. Atlanta Braves
The Good: Well rounded team. Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones, Brian McCann, Jeff Francouer, and Edgar Renteria make up a pretty good lineup. Smoltz, Hudson and Chuck James look like they'll round out a solid starting rotation. Meanwhile the bullpen looks real good as well.
The Bad: Can Kelly Johnson replace Marcus Giles? Did Kelly Kapowski turn down their starting first baseman job? and can Bob Wickman come up with another good year in his fat body? Can Jeff Francouer draw a walk?
3. New York Mets
The Good: Best lineup in the NL. Jose Reyes is the best SS in the NL. David Wright is hella cute. Carlos Beltran is a MVP candidate. Bullpen could be very strong.
The Bad: For a team with World Series aspirations, they have a lot of question marks. The starting rotation has more holes then the jeans in the hipster stores that Symantiks shops at. Their Bullpen already has some question marks going into the season with Duaner Sanchez out for a few months and Mota being suspended for BALCO. The Mets are actually serious about using Burgos out of their pen. No really, it's not a joke. Most of the players on this team shouldn't be playing baseball but should be extras for the sequel to Grumpy Old Men. Their is a solid chance Omar Minaya might trade David Wright for a Hispanic third baseman.
4. Florida Marlins
The Good: When Josh Johnson comes back, their top 4 in the rotation will look very good. Miguel Cabrera is a top 5 hitter in the NL. Hanley Ramirez is a poor man's Jose Reyes.
The Bad: Their OF is in shambles. Their bullpen is atrocious. They are relying on Jorge Julio to close out games for them. Miguel Cabrera is the only accomplished hitter in the Florida lineup.
5. Washington Nationals
The Good: Ryan Zimmerman.
The Bad: The rest of the team. Could be the worst team of all time.
American League West:
1. LA Angels
The Good: Maybe the most well rounded team in the AL. They have good starting pitching with John Lackey, Ervin Santana, Kelvim Escobar, and Jered Weaver. Their lineup is solid with Vlad leading the way. Bullpen is good as well.
The Bad: Other then Gary Matthews Jr.'s hat size being 2 sizes smaller? What can you expect from the guy? What can you expect from Garrett Anderson? Will Jered Weaver revert to Jeff Weaver mode?
2. Oakland A's
The Good: Their pitching is pretty fucking good. Adding Mike Piazza and making him DH was a stroke of genius.
The Bad: I can't see them hitting a damn thing outside of Piazza and Swisher.
3. Texas Rangers
The Good: Teixeira and Michael Young are damn good players. Otsuka is lights as a reliever. Ian Kinsler might be Jewish but he's a damn good ball player.
The Bad: Will anyone in their starting rotation step up? Millwood, Padilla, McCarthy?!?! Anyone?!?!? Gagne was a terrible investment for the Rangers. Their OF looks very average right now.
4. Seattle Mariners
The Good: Ichiro is still a top 10 player in the American League and they have some solid players around him in Ibanez, Beltre, Sexson, Johjima. If King Felix pitches up to potential, he can be a monster. They have a Putz closing for them. No really. His name is J.J. Putz. Yep, another baseball player named J.J. What'd I tell ya?
The Bad: After Felix, no one on this team really pitches that well. So if Felix doesn't come through this year, the pitching staff is in big doo doo. Also, this team doesn't get on base a whole much. They ranked 4th from last in On Base % last year. Pretty pitiful.
American League Central:
1. Detroit Tigers
The Good: A very good team that got better. They play extremely good defense. Their pitching is great starting with Bonderman and Verlander. They needed a big bopper in the offseason and acquired Gary Sheffield. Carlos Guillen might be one of the most underrated players in baseball. The bullpen is great too with T. Jones, Zumaya and Rodney.
The Bad: I still think they can use one more hitter. Also, if the whole team starts playing Guitar Hero, they can kiss their World Series hopes goodbye.
2. Minnesota Twins
The Good: It all starts with Johan Santana. You can argue that he is the best player in baseball. Mauer, Morneau, and Cuddy make up a very good 3-4-5. Bullpen is stellar.
The Bad: The Starting Rotation after Johan is patchwork. If Torii Hunter can't stay healthy, not alot of hitting besides the big three. We will not hear the end of Myjah throughout the whole baseball season.
3. Cleveland Indians
The Good: V-mart, Sizemore, and Hafner make up the heart of the lineup. If Hafner played in a big market, he'd be considered a superstar. Josh Barfield looks in line to have a break out season. C.C. (Not CeeCee) Sabathia is a damn good pitcher.
The Bad: Peralta and Marte have to start playing more consistently. Rotation after Sabathia looks iffy. Bullpen doesn't look too healthy right now. Neither does CC Sabathia after a trip to Mickey D's.
4. Chicago White Sox
The Good: Arguably the most talented team in the division.
The Bad: The talent is all old or inconsistent.
5. Kansas City Royals
The Good: Not as bad as you think. Teahen, Shealy, and Gordon make up a good core. Plus when Butler comes up, the lineup will be stacked.
The Bad: Holy Hochevar!!! Where's the pitching?!?!?!
American League East:
1. New York Yankees
The Good: The Best lineup in baseball. The best bullpen in the division. Derek Jeter is dreamy. They have a lot of money and you don't. For some reason, I think A-rod's going to kill it this year. It could be the fact that he's in a contract year. Or it could be the fact that he's actually speaking up without caring about the repercussions. Whatever it is, there's something different about A-rod and it showed during spring training.
The Bad: The rotation doesn't look championship ready. It needs Phil Hughes and the Rocket right now. Yankee haters can't wait to see Mientkiewicz at the plate in a big spot. Predictions on his average? I'm setting the over/under at .180.
2. Boston Red Sox
The Good: Schilling, Beckett, and Dice-K leading the starting rotation. It was smart putting Papelbon back into the closer role. Big Papi and Manny can carry a whole offense by themselves.
The Bad: What if Pap can't stay healthy? The bullpen without papelbon is atrocious. Schilling is old and Beckett's penis falls off when he sees a blister. JD Drew? LOL LOL LOL LOL. I can't wait for a Yankee fan to throw a battery at him in right field.
3. Toronto Blue Jays
The Good: Vernon Wells and Troy Glaus are monsters. Alex Rios is one injury free season away from being a star. Plus they added Big Hurt. Halladay is a stud and BJ Ryan might be the nastiest closer in baseball.
The Bad: They play in the AL East.
4. Baltimore Orioles
The Good: Their first three starting pitchers look promising (Bedard, Daniel Cabrera, Loewen). Everyone knows about Tejada and Markakis looks primed for a breakout season.
The Bad: Their whole lineup looks average. They play in the AL East.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The Good: in 2 years, could have the best OF in baseball in Dukes, Young, and Crawford. Kazmir needs to lower his walk total before he's considered a legit ace but he's almost there.
The Bad: Team is way too young. No pitching outside of Kazmir. They Play in the AL East.
NL Wild Card Team: Atlanta Braves
AL Wild Card Team: Boston Red Sox
10 players ready to Breakout:
Stephen Drew
Nick Markakis
Delmon Young
King Felix
Ian Kinsler
Josh Barfield
Rickie Weeks
Chris Young (the OFer)
Edwin Encarnacion
Erik Bedard
Matt cain
AL Rookie of the Year:
1. Dice-K
2. Delmon Young
3. Alex Gordon
4. Phil Hughes
5. Elijah Dukes
NL Rookie of the Year
1. Troy Tulowitzki
2. Homer Bailey
3. Chris Young
4. Ryan Braun
5. Kevin Kouzmanoff
AL Cy Young:
1. Johan Santana
2. Roy Halladay
3. Dice-K
4. Jeremy Bonderman
5. King Felix
NL Cy Young:
1. Roy Oswalt
2. Ben Sheets
3. Brandon Webb
4. Chris Carpenter
5. Carlos Zambrano
AL MVP:
1. Alex Rodriguez
2. Travis Hafner
3. Manny Ramirez
4. Vladimir Guerrero
5. Vernon Wells
NL MVP:
1. Albert Pujols
2. Derek Lee
3. Jose Reyes
4. Prince Fielder
5. Chase Utley
World Series Prediction:
Detroit Tigers over the Philedelphia Phillies
What, no Yankees?!?!?! Well, I might chance my pick to the Yankees if Roger Clemens signs and Phil Hughes is in the rotation. But until that happens, i'm not willing to hang my hat when their Starting rotation has more holes 24's plot lately.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Episode 18: 2007 March Madness, 3 / 15 / 07
A blog of the events of the day. BTW, My Final Four Prediction is Florida, Kansas, Georgetown, Ohio state with Florida winning it all over Georgetown.
12:00 Awaiting Davidson vs. Maryland, Texas Tech vs. BC, and Stanford vs. Louisville. Only upset of the bunch that i picked was Texas Tech. Hopefully, Bobby Knight and the Red Raiders come through. I'm really looking forward to the Stanford vs. Louisville game mainly because my neighbor is a Stanford grad. When they lose, he will not hear the end of it. I'll also be wearing my Georgetown jersey the whole day. They tip off at 2:45 today. Looking forward to a long run by Jeff Green and company. I'm sure glad spring break came at a good time. Watch the opening games in peace. BRB, gotta brush my teeth before the games start. Also, there's this weird pain in my leg. FUCKING SHIT MAN.
12:51-Wow, that Texas Tech pick is looking terrible right now. They don't close out on open shooters and they look very unorganized on offense. Not your typical Bobby Knight team. In fact, I'm more upset then Bobby Knight right now. Ummmm, someone get this guy off the zoloft.
1:00- WTF @ davidson rocking Maryland's world right now. 35-30? They are showing the TT vs. BC game here so I have no idea what's going on but I can imagine Stephen Curry lighting up Maryland. Just in case y'all don't know, that's Dell Curry's son.
1:14- Texas Tech has made it a ballgame at halftime with a 43-41 score. They did most of their damage after BC's star player, Jared Dudley, got his 3rd foul. Still BC has this little PG named Rice that is shaking and baking, swishing and dishing. Along with the Davidson vs. Maryland game, we've had a nice Rice and Curry combo so far today. Yes. It's almost lunchtime.
1:25- Just my luck, Texas Tech and BC is about to start the second half and now I have to take my brother to the Doctor's office. I am not a happy camper right now. This is the time where I curse God for creating disease and ruining my opening day of March Madness.
1:40- My brother's doctor's office is in Suffern, NY. To get there, I have to drive through a town called Monsey.....or as I like to call it "Little Israel". And let me tell you, there are droves of Jews out right now and they are walking around mindlessly. I'm pretty sure they are out right now wondering where all the customers are for all their Jewish shops and businesses. "Well, guys....There's this collegiate basketball tournament that happens every year in the middle of March. It's fairly popular within the communities of heterosexual men, cool chicks, college students, and lesbians (also known as Women basketball players)." You'd think that with the rate that Jewish people send their kids to college, one of their kids would let them know.
1:43- I just shouted Positive A out of my car window. Jewish woman turns to me after hearing this and then quickly walks the other way. I wonder what word, name, or phrase would have a similar effect on a whole population of Jews? Maybe the Palestinians could use this to their advantage somehow? My brother just asked me wtf was Positive A. I told him it's some dude from a message board that I post at that wanted to get shouted out. The nerve of this guy. He just called me a herb. How ironic considering he plays World of Warcraft. BTW, Davidson goes on a 9-0 run to start the second half against Maryland to take an 8 point lead. Are we on our way to the first huge upset of the tournament? I don't know who the announcer is but he's telling me that Gary Williams is angrier then a white swingman on an NBA team that has to face the Lakers. RELE.
1:50- I hate doctors. But one thing I love about their offices is their magazine rack. This guy usually has a bunch of People magazines in his rack. Unfortunately, this guy in a yarmulke is hogging every single one of them. I would've thought he'd be hogging the Fortune magazines. My brother sits down with a Time magazine. I ponder b/w a Time magazine or going back to my car to listen to the rest of BC vs. Texas Tech.
1:51- Sunnis vs. Shias....The Civil War in the Middle East.
1:53- BC vs. Texas Tech sounds like a dogfight right now. However from watching the first half, I know Texas Tech is doomed to lose. Texas Tech cannot hang inside with BC. Texas Tech doesn't close out on defense. Texas Tech just doesn't have the athletes or the players to hang with BC AT ALL.
2:10- I'm starting to regret not picking Louisville to go to at least the Sweet 16. But then again, they are also playing Stanford. I hear this Sosa kid's lighting up the cardinals. I wonder if someone will ask him "Has beisbol been berry berry goo to you?" in the post game interview. And then ask him if he's willing to piss in a cup? Only I'd find this funny though.
2:20- Following exchange took place after my brother got in the car.
Me- What took so long?
Brother- I got my shots.
Me- Shots take 5 seconds. Wham Bam Thank you ma'am and you're out. (yes i actually said this).
Brother- I'm supposed to wait 20 minutes just in case I don't get an allergic reaction.
Me- You've gotten this shot multiple times before, right?
Brother- Yeah.
Me- And you never got an allergic reaction before, right?
Brother- I hope you're not trying to make me look stupid. You shouted out someone's message board name out your car window today, right?
Me- (starts the car)
2:31- I'm driving home as fast as I can to try to make the 2:45 time for Georgetown vs. Belmont when my phone starts ringing. It's my boy Goat and he's at Pizza Hut and wants me to come through. He knows I'm a huge Georgetown fan but he gets me with this line: "The foods on me." SONOVABITCH. I ask my brother for sagely advice and all he gives me is "It's up to you."
2:51- I'm in the Pizza Hut parking lot and Georgetown is already down 12-5. FUCKING SHIT MAN.
3:20- After Goat, his boy, my brother and I go through 25 Wings, 10 Cheese garlic breads, 10 cheese sticks, and all you can eat salad bar, I go to check on the score. Georgetown up 8. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LIKE MARV ALBERT IN LEATHER WITH A CHICK HALF HIS AGE!!!!!!
3:30- WTF IS THIS?!?!? This brown motha fucka ordered some garlic knot crust pizza or some shit. What kind of faggot metrosexual pizza are we about to consume here?!?!?!
3:32- I can't believe I am missing the georgetown game because of this terrible tasting faggot ass metrosexual crust ass pizza.
3:45- Me and my brother are OUT!!!! Unfortunately, ODU vs. Butler is on the radio. No updates on Georgetown. ESPN radio really sucks. At least ODU vs. Butler is a close game. Back and forth though.
4:01- Back home. HOME SWEET HOME. Unfortunately, Georgetown is not on TV and ODU vs. Butler is. This is some racist shit for real. Whichever game has more white people on the court will get on TV. At least Georgetown is up by 15.
4:25- This guy campbell from Butler just drained 3 three point baskets and put some serious distance between them and Old Dominion. This game looks like it's a wrap. So they switch to Penn vs. A&M with Penn up by 2 with a little more then 10 minutes left. WOW, that would destroy pretty much everyone's bracket.
4:35- Acie Law decided to take over on the offensive end and A&M put their best one on one defender on Penn's PG. Pretty much looks like the end. Georgetown is up 66-46 so I'm probably gonna take a nap until the second batch of games come on.
8:30- I think pizza hut made me sick. I shitted twice in the past half hour. Not pretty. I just took a lomotil. If my posts start not to make sense, it's the lomotil. At least Duke's only up on VCU by 2. I'll tell you what though. I was wrong about McRoberts. The guy can ball. Looks like a legit NBA prospect. Showing off a vast array of skills. Impressive. I love the way VCU plays though. Pressing all the time and Half court traps. Love it. That's the way basketball should be played.
9:00- Paulus has gone off. He has hit a couple of big three pointers and now Duke is up 8 with a little under 10 minutes to go. Paulus is a nice little player. Type of guy you hate when you're against him but love him when you're playing with him. Grimey little fucker. I still hate the dude though. BTW, Michigan State is spanking Marquette. Was not a good showing at all by them.
9:10- Didn't take VCU long to make this a game again. Jesus, if they advance, this is a team that can give anyone fits. They play good defense and get great guard play. And any time you press all the time like they do, 8 point deficits can vanish in a couple minutes with a couple turnovers.
9:13- My stomach still hurts. Fucking garlic knots pizza. I'm clutching my stomach and moaning and groaning when my sister tells me that she wants to eat at the Cheesecake factory tommarow night. I moan and groan louder. She doesn't seem to get the picture. I point toward my stomach and then to the TV. I don't think she cares. If this isn't a real factory that makes different cakes, I'll be extremely dissappointed. I'm imagining something like the Pawtucket Brewery from that episode of Family Guy that was a parody of the Willy Wonka movie. MY SISTER BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOLDEN TICKET!!!!!!!!!
9:25- Demarcus Nelson just tied the game with 10 seconds left. HOLY SHIT
10 seconds later- UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, easily the best game of the night so far? Maynor drills a shot from the top of the key like he has ice water in his veins. This guy is the perfect type of point you need to make a long run in the NCAA Tournament.
That's all for tonight. My stomach is too much for me right now. It's like there's a suicide bomber entering my stomach every 2 minutes. Hopefully, if this predicament doesn't put me on the Disabled list, I'll come through with a Day 2 blog. Enjoy the late night games.
12:00 Awaiting Davidson vs. Maryland, Texas Tech vs. BC, and Stanford vs. Louisville. Only upset of the bunch that i picked was Texas Tech. Hopefully, Bobby Knight and the Red Raiders come through. I'm really looking forward to the Stanford vs. Louisville game mainly because my neighbor is a Stanford grad. When they lose, he will not hear the end of it. I'll also be wearing my Georgetown jersey the whole day. They tip off at 2:45 today. Looking forward to a long run by Jeff Green and company. I'm sure glad spring break came at a good time. Watch the opening games in peace. BRB, gotta brush my teeth before the games start. Also, there's this weird pain in my leg. FUCKING SHIT MAN.
12:51-Wow, that Texas Tech pick is looking terrible right now. They don't close out on open shooters and they look very unorganized on offense. Not your typical Bobby Knight team. In fact, I'm more upset then Bobby Knight right now. Ummmm, someone get this guy off the zoloft.
1:00- WTF @ davidson rocking Maryland's world right now. 35-30? They are showing the TT vs. BC game here so I have no idea what's going on but I can imagine Stephen Curry lighting up Maryland. Just in case y'all don't know, that's Dell Curry's son.
1:14- Texas Tech has made it a ballgame at halftime with a 43-41 score. They did most of their damage after BC's star player, Jared Dudley, got his 3rd foul. Still BC has this little PG named Rice that is shaking and baking, swishing and dishing. Along with the Davidson vs. Maryland game, we've had a nice Rice and Curry combo so far today. Yes. It's almost lunchtime.
1:25- Just my luck, Texas Tech and BC is about to start the second half and now I have to take my brother to the Doctor's office. I am not a happy camper right now. This is the time where I curse God for creating disease and ruining my opening day of March Madness.
1:40- My brother's doctor's office is in Suffern, NY. To get there, I have to drive through a town called Monsey.....or as I like to call it "Little Israel". And let me tell you, there are droves of Jews out right now and they are walking around mindlessly. I'm pretty sure they are out right now wondering where all the customers are for all their Jewish shops and businesses. "Well, guys....There's this collegiate basketball tournament that happens every year in the middle of March. It's fairly popular within the communities of heterosexual men, cool chicks, college students, and lesbians (also known as Women basketball players)." You'd think that with the rate that Jewish people send their kids to college, one of their kids would let them know.
1:43- I just shouted Positive A out of my car window. Jewish woman turns to me after hearing this and then quickly walks the other way. I wonder what word, name, or phrase would have a similar effect on a whole population of Jews? Maybe the Palestinians could use this to their advantage somehow? My brother just asked me wtf was Positive A. I told him it's some dude from a message board that I post at that wanted to get shouted out. The nerve of this guy. He just called me a herb. How ironic considering he plays World of Warcraft. BTW, Davidson goes on a 9-0 run to start the second half against Maryland to take an 8 point lead. Are we on our way to the first huge upset of the tournament? I don't know who the announcer is but he's telling me that Gary Williams is angrier then a white swingman on an NBA team that has to face the Lakers. RELE.
1:50- I hate doctors. But one thing I love about their offices is their magazine rack. This guy usually has a bunch of People magazines in his rack. Unfortunately, this guy in a yarmulke is hogging every single one of them. I would've thought he'd be hogging the Fortune magazines. My brother sits down with a Time magazine. I ponder b/w a Time magazine or going back to my car to listen to the rest of BC vs. Texas Tech.
1:51- Sunnis vs. Shias....The Civil War in the Middle East.
1:53- BC vs. Texas Tech sounds like a dogfight right now. However from watching the first half, I know Texas Tech is doomed to lose. Texas Tech cannot hang inside with BC. Texas Tech doesn't close out on defense. Texas Tech just doesn't have the athletes or the players to hang with BC AT ALL.
2:10- I'm starting to regret not picking Louisville to go to at least the Sweet 16. But then again, they are also playing Stanford. I hear this Sosa kid's lighting up the cardinals. I wonder if someone will ask him "Has beisbol been berry berry goo to you?" in the post game interview. And then ask him if he's willing to piss in a cup? Only I'd find this funny though.
2:20- Following exchange took place after my brother got in the car.
Me- What took so long?
Brother- I got my shots.
Me- Shots take 5 seconds. Wham Bam Thank you ma'am and you're out. (yes i actually said this).
Brother- I'm supposed to wait 20 minutes just in case I don't get an allergic reaction.
Me- You've gotten this shot multiple times before, right?
Brother- Yeah.
Me- And you never got an allergic reaction before, right?
Brother- I hope you're not trying to make me look stupid. You shouted out someone's message board name out your car window today, right?
Me- (starts the car)
2:31- I'm driving home as fast as I can to try to make the 2:45 time for Georgetown vs. Belmont when my phone starts ringing. It's my boy Goat and he's at Pizza Hut and wants me to come through. He knows I'm a huge Georgetown fan but he gets me with this line: "The foods on me." SONOVABITCH. I ask my brother for sagely advice and all he gives me is "It's up to you."
2:51- I'm in the Pizza Hut parking lot and Georgetown is already down 12-5. FUCKING SHIT MAN.
3:20- After Goat, his boy, my brother and I go through 25 Wings, 10 Cheese garlic breads, 10 cheese sticks, and all you can eat salad bar, I go to check on the score. Georgetown up 8. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LIKE MARV ALBERT IN LEATHER WITH A CHICK HALF HIS AGE!!!!!!
3:30- WTF IS THIS?!?!? This brown motha fucka ordered some garlic knot crust pizza or some shit. What kind of faggot metrosexual pizza are we about to consume here?!?!?!
3:32- I can't believe I am missing the georgetown game because of this terrible tasting faggot ass metrosexual crust ass pizza.
3:45- Me and my brother are OUT!!!! Unfortunately, ODU vs. Butler is on the radio. No updates on Georgetown. ESPN radio really sucks. At least ODU vs. Butler is a close game. Back and forth though.
4:01- Back home. HOME SWEET HOME. Unfortunately, Georgetown is not on TV and ODU vs. Butler is. This is some racist shit for real. Whichever game has more white people on the court will get on TV. At least Georgetown is up by 15.
4:25- This guy campbell from Butler just drained 3 three point baskets and put some serious distance between them and Old Dominion. This game looks like it's a wrap. So they switch to Penn vs. A&M with Penn up by 2 with a little more then 10 minutes left. WOW, that would destroy pretty much everyone's bracket.
4:35- Acie Law decided to take over on the offensive end and A&M put their best one on one defender on Penn's PG. Pretty much looks like the end. Georgetown is up 66-46 so I'm probably gonna take a nap until the second batch of games come on.
8:30- I think pizza hut made me sick. I shitted twice in the past half hour. Not pretty. I just took a lomotil. If my posts start not to make sense, it's the lomotil. At least Duke's only up on VCU by 2. I'll tell you what though. I was wrong about McRoberts. The guy can ball. Looks like a legit NBA prospect. Showing off a vast array of skills. Impressive. I love the way VCU plays though. Pressing all the time and Half court traps. Love it. That's the way basketball should be played.
9:00- Paulus has gone off. He has hit a couple of big three pointers and now Duke is up 8 with a little under 10 minutes to go. Paulus is a nice little player. Type of guy you hate when you're against him but love him when you're playing with him. Grimey little fucker. I still hate the dude though. BTW, Michigan State is spanking Marquette. Was not a good showing at all by them.
9:10- Didn't take VCU long to make this a game again. Jesus, if they advance, this is a team that can give anyone fits. They play good defense and get great guard play. And any time you press all the time like they do, 8 point deficits can vanish in a couple minutes with a couple turnovers.
9:13- My stomach still hurts. Fucking garlic knots pizza. I'm clutching my stomach and moaning and groaning when my sister tells me that she wants to eat at the Cheesecake factory tommarow night. I moan and groan louder. She doesn't seem to get the picture. I point toward my stomach and then to the TV. I don't think she cares. If this isn't a real factory that makes different cakes, I'll be extremely dissappointed. I'm imagining something like the Pawtucket Brewery from that episode of Family Guy that was a parody of the Willy Wonka movie. MY SISTER BETTER HAVE A FUCKING GOLDEN TICKET!!!!!!!!!
9:25- Demarcus Nelson just tied the game with 10 seconds left. HOLY SHIT
10 seconds later- UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, easily the best game of the night so far? Maynor drills a shot from the top of the key like he has ice water in his veins. This guy is the perfect type of point you need to make a long run in the NCAA Tournament.
That's all for tonight. My stomach is too much for me right now. It's like there's a suicide bomber entering my stomach every 2 minutes. Hopefully, if this predicament doesn't put me on the Disabled list, I'll come through with a Day 2 blog. Enjoy the late night games.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Episode 17: Drama!!!!!
Every few years we see a dismantling of a superstar.
When this superstar started, we thought there was a world of potential. This person started off with a bang. Put up huge numbers. Also, the person had a relationship with another contemporary. They were inseparable for the first couple years. They both were doing great. The world was in the palm of their hands.
Soon, this person was one of the richest people in the world. Money was being thrown around and this person was seeing major endorsements. This person's career was also continuing on an incredible path.
And then it all went wrong.
This person's relationship had a huge public fallout mainly because of the person this blog is about. Whatever the person tried to do to apologize, the other person would not listen. He would not come back.
Soon after that, this person moved on. Even though the person is still a huge star, people question this person. Despite the amazing things this person has done, people have a problem with this person. The public scrutiny is mounting. The media doesn't leave this person alone. People do not leave this person alone. This person is considered superficial and everything this person does seems like it's a cry for attention. There are other stars in the genre this person dominated that are more highly regarded. This person's star is falling. This person is falling apart before our very eyes. This person is mentally breaking down. The people around this person are tired of this person's antics but they are also genuinely worried. People are starting to think that the end of the relationship from a few years ago sparked this downward spiral. People don't know if this person can survive the scrutiny.
If you think, I'm writing about Britney Spears. You are wrong.
Welcome to the world of A-Rod. Where everyday is a dramedy.
When this superstar started, we thought there was a world of potential. This person started off with a bang. Put up huge numbers. Also, the person had a relationship with another contemporary. They were inseparable for the first couple years. They both were doing great. The world was in the palm of their hands.
Soon, this person was one of the richest people in the world. Money was being thrown around and this person was seeing major endorsements. This person's career was also continuing on an incredible path.
And then it all went wrong.
This person's relationship had a huge public fallout mainly because of the person this blog is about. Whatever the person tried to do to apologize, the other person would not listen. He would not come back.
Soon after that, this person moved on. Even though the person is still a huge star, people question this person. Despite the amazing things this person has done, people have a problem with this person. The public scrutiny is mounting. The media doesn't leave this person alone. People do not leave this person alone. This person is considered superficial and everything this person does seems like it's a cry for attention. There are other stars in the genre this person dominated that are more highly regarded. This person's star is falling. This person is falling apart before our very eyes. This person is mentally breaking down. The people around this person are tired of this person's antics but they are also genuinely worried. People are starting to think that the end of the relationship from a few years ago sparked this downward spiral. People don't know if this person can survive the scrutiny.
If you think, I'm writing about Britney Spears. You are wrong.
Welcome to the world of A-Rod. Where everyday is a dramedy.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Episode 16: Halfway point of the NBA season
Welcome to the Inaugural post to The Brown Revolution blog. After a mutual breakup with the Steadyblogger collective at philaflava.com (actually, I was unceremoniously dumped by Gloss because he hates brown people), I have decided to spread my wings and fly on my own. I have brought all my old blogs in the past and posted them here for the viewing of my many fans. Some will read them and shout with glee. Many will recoil in terror (I am brown....terror is my specialty apparently). A quick overview on what I write about: everything but mostly sports. A lot of sports. Cats end up ODing with the amount of sports I will throw at you. Also, if you are Jewish, you'll probably hate me the more you read these blogs. If you are white, you will hate me less but nonetheless hate me. Anyways, today's blog is basically me dropping knowledge on the first half of the NBA season. Hardware will be handed out and my picks for what the All star team should look like.
The Brown Western Conference All Stars:
PG- Steve Nash
SG- Kobe Bryant
SF- Kevin Garnett
PF- Dirk Nowitzki
C- Tim Duncan
Bench- Josh Howard, Shawn Marion, Amare Stoudemire, Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Tracy McGrady, Allen Iverson
-Holy guacamole, the starting lineup looks like a who's who of MVP candidates. If you look at the bench, some of these guys could start on the East team. Heck, some of the players I left off (Yao Ming, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul, Zack Randolph) could start on the East team. I left off the first three players because of injury issues. I left off Zach Randolph because he plays on the Jailblazers. No, really, I left off Zach Randolph and Elton Brand because of the numbers game. There are too many good big men in the West and not enough spots to give out to the players. Yao Ming is actually a top 3 player according to John Hollinger's player efficiency rating.
EDIT: Now that it seems that Boozer is injured, you can make room for Carmelo on this team especially because of the other candidates next on the list, he has the best #s.
Eastern Conference:
PG- Gilbert Arenas
SG- Dwyane Wade
SF- Lebron James
PF- Chris Bosh
C- Dwight Howard
Bench- Michael Redd, Jason Kidd, Jermaine O'Neal, Emeka Okafor, Chauncey Billups, Caron Butler, Ben Gordon
-The East is terrible. I almost put Eddy Curry on this team. That's how bad the East is. Honestly, nothing more needs to be said.
NBA 6th Man:
1. Ben Gordon
2. Leandro Barbosa
3. David Lee
-As of now, Gordon owns this award for best supersub however he is beginning to start games for the Chicago Bulls. He is scoring lights out and is one of the best 4th quarter basketball players in the NBA. Barbosa's been awesome for the Suns as their only reliable sub off the bench. He's actually finished more games then Raja Bell has. BTW, when do we begin the countdown to when Leandro Barbosa does the one name thing like other Brazilian athletes? And wouldn't you want to be Leandro during the offseason? One of the NBA's top 50 ball players, he must be a huge celebrity in Brazil.....and as the legendary Nas says:
Anyways, David Lee's player efficiency rating is actually better then both Gordon and Barbosa. However, 2 things are working against Lee. 1) He plays for the Knicks. 2) If Nash or Nowitzki wins MVP, the white guilt will be too much for the writers.
Most Improved Player:
1. Kevin Martin
2. Andris Biedrins
3. JR Smith
-You're probably asking yourself "where the hell is Josh Howard?" Even though he is the popular pick for Most Improved Player, the fact of the matter is, did he improve more then the three players listed above? Kevin Martin's PER improved by 6 points. Biedrins improved by 4 points as did JR Smith. Meanwhile, Josh Howard only improved by 2 points. It's a lot but not more then the aforementioned players. Honorable mention shout out goes to Luke Walton. He's looked good this year, no homo.
Defensive Player of the First Half:
1. Emeka Okafor
2. Shawn Marion
3. Marcus Camby
Even though he plays for the Bobcats, Okafor has been the most impressive defensive player I've seen this year. He can singlehandedly turn a team into a jumpshooting ballclub. His timing and help defense are impeccable and his ability to guard post players one one one is very good as well. Shawn Marion is one of the more underrated ball players in the NBA. He always guards the opposing team's best forward and comes up with his fair share of steals and blocks. For Camby, it's just been buisness as usual this year. If you go into the lane against Denver, it's either sent into the stands or you are changing your shot. Thousands of Denver fans are praying that he doesn't break a limb before the playoffs.
Coach of the First Half:
1. Jerry Sloan
2. Phil Jackson
3. Eddie Jordan
-Sloan is always one of the more under-appreciated ball coaches in the NBA. Every year everyone disregards his teams as too vanilla. But every year his teams play hard and smart and make a run at the playoffs. This year experts said they wouldn't sniff the playoffs but they are currently winning their division. Phil Jackson is doing an amazing job with Odom, Kobe, and a bunch of no-namers. And who in the beginning of the year would've told you that Washington would be leading the Eastern Conference at this point in the season?
Rookie of the First Half:
1. Brandon Roy
2. You suck
3. You're even more terrible
-I don't remember a rookie class being this bad. Ever. It's like watching Colin Farrell in Alexander. You knew he was bad, but while watching it, you didn't think he was THAT bad.
NBA MVP:
1. Steve Nash
2. Dirk Nowitzki
3. Kevin Garnett
4. Kobe Bryant
5. Gilbert Arenas
-Steve Nash, believe it or not is playing better ball this year then he did last year. He is the engine that makes the Suns go. Right now, it's between him and Dirk. 5 years ago, if someone would've told you that 2 white guys that weren't born in the US would be the leading candidates for NBA MVP, you would've told him to go back to France, right? It's like having 2 black head coaches in the Super Bowl.....you never really thought it was going to happen. Oh, American cracka ball player, where have you gone?
Comparing NBA Teams and players to Famous People:
Miami Heat :: Osama Bin Laden- Laying in the cut right now but you know sooner or later, they'll make some noise.
San Antonio Spurs :: Heather Locklear- damn, you want to wife this bitch. You think you can go all the way with them. BUT GOD DAMMIT THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY CAN GO DOWN HILL AT ANY MOMENT.
Minnesota Timberwolves :: Vida Guerra- They realize that they only have one great thing going for them.....and in the grand scheme of things, it's not enough.
New York Knicks :: Britney Spears- Worth a ton of money and was good for a few years, but now is a train wreck. Should've divorced that dude a long time ago.
Washington Wizards :: Diddy circa "Bad Boys for Life"- Entertaining and has a good butler. However, you fear they are all flash with little substance.
Chicago Bulls :: Jennifer Aniston- They were the shit in the 90's but were eh in the 2000's....especially after their leading men left. Looking to make a move that'll put them in the forefront again.
Phoenix Suns :: Angelina Jolie- Damn, they look good. Have great leading men. Have kids from other countries. But something just ain't right about them.
Dallas Mavericks :: Seal- You look at them and you're like what? but they sound good and they both got a baaaad German bitch.
Portland Trailblazers :: Lindsay Lohan- too easy?
Utah Jazz :: Cate Blanchett- They are really white but they are also really good. But they ain't winning shit this year.
Houston Rockets :: Rush Hour- Chinese guy is gooooood. But you've kinda always expected more from the Black dude.
NJ Nets :: Nas- was primed to do big things but definitely didn't come through.
and going a bit off topic
Chicago Bears :: Little Miss Sunshine- Very good but not great. You don't know how they've been pulling it off.
Indianapolis Colts :: Martin Scorcese- They've had better years but this year seems to be their year. But we say that every year.
The Brown Western Conference All Stars:
PG- Steve Nash
SG- Kobe Bryant
SF- Kevin Garnett
PF- Dirk Nowitzki
C- Tim Duncan
Bench- Josh Howard, Shawn Marion, Amare Stoudemire, Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Tracy McGrady, Allen Iverson
-Holy guacamole, the starting lineup looks like a who's who of MVP candidates. If you look at the bench, some of these guys could start on the East team. Heck, some of the players I left off (Yao Ming, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul, Zack Randolph) could start on the East team. I left off the first three players because of injury issues. I left off Zach Randolph because he plays on the Jailblazers. No, really, I left off Zach Randolph and Elton Brand because of the numbers game. There are too many good big men in the West and not enough spots to give out to the players. Yao Ming is actually a top 3 player according to John Hollinger's player efficiency rating.
EDIT: Now that it seems that Boozer is injured, you can make room for Carmelo on this team especially because of the other candidates next on the list, he has the best #s.
Eastern Conference:
PG- Gilbert Arenas
SG- Dwyane Wade
SF- Lebron James
PF- Chris Bosh
C- Dwight Howard
Bench- Michael Redd, Jason Kidd, Jermaine O'Neal, Emeka Okafor, Chauncey Billups, Caron Butler, Ben Gordon
-The East is terrible. I almost put Eddy Curry on this team. That's how bad the East is. Honestly, nothing more needs to be said.
NBA 6th Man:
1. Ben Gordon
2. Leandro Barbosa
3. David Lee
-As of now, Gordon owns this award for best supersub however he is beginning to start games for the Chicago Bulls. He is scoring lights out and is one of the best 4th quarter basketball players in the NBA. Barbosa's been awesome for the Suns as their only reliable sub off the bench. He's actually finished more games then Raja Bell has. BTW, when do we begin the countdown to when Leandro Barbosa does the one name thing like other Brazilian athletes? And wouldn't you want to be Leandro during the offseason? One of the NBA's top 50 ball players, he must be a huge celebrity in Brazil.....and as the legendary Nas says:
Grindin, hittin Brazilian dimes from behind
Grindin, hittin Brazilian dimes from behind
Anyways, David Lee's player efficiency rating is actually better then both Gordon and Barbosa. However, 2 things are working against Lee. 1) He plays for the Knicks. 2) If Nash or Nowitzki wins MVP, the white guilt will be too much for the writers.
Most Improved Player:
1. Kevin Martin
2. Andris Biedrins
3. JR Smith
-You're probably asking yourself "where the hell is Josh Howard?" Even though he is the popular pick for Most Improved Player, the fact of the matter is, did he improve more then the three players listed above? Kevin Martin's PER improved by 6 points. Biedrins improved by 4 points as did JR Smith. Meanwhile, Josh Howard only improved by 2 points. It's a lot but not more then the aforementioned players. Honorable mention shout out goes to Luke Walton. He's looked good this year, no homo.
Defensive Player of the First Half:
1. Emeka Okafor
2. Shawn Marion
3. Marcus Camby
Even though he plays for the Bobcats, Okafor has been the most impressive defensive player I've seen this year. He can singlehandedly turn a team into a jumpshooting ballclub. His timing and help defense are impeccable and his ability to guard post players one one one is very good as well. Shawn Marion is one of the more underrated ball players in the NBA. He always guards the opposing team's best forward and comes up with his fair share of steals and blocks. For Camby, it's just been buisness as usual this year. If you go into the lane against Denver, it's either sent into the stands or you are changing your shot. Thousands of Denver fans are praying that he doesn't break a limb before the playoffs.
Coach of the First Half:
1. Jerry Sloan
2. Phil Jackson
3. Eddie Jordan
-Sloan is always one of the more under-appreciated ball coaches in the NBA. Every year everyone disregards his teams as too vanilla. But every year his teams play hard and smart and make a run at the playoffs. This year experts said they wouldn't sniff the playoffs but they are currently winning their division. Phil Jackson is doing an amazing job with Odom, Kobe, and a bunch of no-namers. And who in the beginning of the year would've told you that Washington would be leading the Eastern Conference at this point in the season?
Rookie of the First Half:
1. Brandon Roy
2. You suck
3. You're even more terrible
-I don't remember a rookie class being this bad. Ever. It's like watching Colin Farrell in Alexander. You knew he was bad, but while watching it, you didn't think he was THAT bad.
NBA MVP:
1. Steve Nash
2. Dirk Nowitzki
3. Kevin Garnett
4. Kobe Bryant
5. Gilbert Arenas
-Steve Nash, believe it or not is playing better ball this year then he did last year. He is the engine that makes the Suns go. Right now, it's between him and Dirk. 5 years ago, if someone would've told you that 2 white guys that weren't born in the US would be the leading candidates for NBA MVP, you would've told him to go back to France, right? It's like having 2 black head coaches in the Super Bowl.....you never really thought it was going to happen. Oh, American cracka ball player, where have you gone?
Comparing NBA Teams and players to Famous People:
Miami Heat :: Osama Bin Laden- Laying in the cut right now but you know sooner or later, they'll make some noise.
San Antonio Spurs :: Heather Locklear- damn, you want to wife this bitch. You think you can go all the way with them. BUT GOD DAMMIT THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY CAN GO DOWN HILL AT ANY MOMENT.
Minnesota Timberwolves :: Vida Guerra- They realize that they only have one great thing going for them.....and in the grand scheme of things, it's not enough.
New York Knicks :: Britney Spears- Worth a ton of money and was good for a few years, but now is a train wreck. Should've divorced that dude a long time ago.
Washington Wizards :: Diddy circa "Bad Boys for Life"- Entertaining and has a good butler. However, you fear they are all flash with little substance.
Chicago Bulls :: Jennifer Aniston- They were the shit in the 90's but were eh in the 2000's....especially after their leading men left. Looking to make a move that'll put them in the forefront again.
Phoenix Suns :: Angelina Jolie- Damn, they look good. Have great leading men. Have kids from other countries. But something just ain't right about them.
Dallas Mavericks :: Seal- You look at them and you're like what? but they sound good and they both got a baaaad German bitch.
Portland Trailblazers :: Lindsay Lohan- too easy?
Utah Jazz :: Cate Blanchett- They are really white but they are also really good. But they ain't winning shit this year.
Houston Rockets :: Rush Hour- Chinese guy is gooooood. But you've kinda always expected more from the Black dude.
NJ Nets :: Nas- was primed to do big things but definitely didn't come through.
and going a bit off topic
Chicago Bears :: Little Miss Sunshine- Very good but not great. You don't know how they've been pulling it off.
Indianapolis Colts :: Martin Scorcese- They've had better years but this year seems to be their year. But we say that every year.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Episode 15: Random Thoughts from a Handsome Boss
Haven't written a blog in a minute but it's about time I make an update. Especially with the baseball winter meetings wrapping up, the first quarter of the NBA season passing us by, and the stretch run of the NFL season about to start this week.
NBA:
-The Utah Jazz has clearly been the suprise of the league so far. Well to everyone but me and a select few NBA analysts, I guess. I had them being in the top 6 of their conference. Right now, they defenitely look like they are at least that. Could this be Jerry Sloan's year to win an NBA championship? He's got all the pieces in place. A low post go to guy in Boozer, an extremely savvy point guard and a perimeter go to guy in Deron Williams, a very good #3 option in Okur, a defensive stopper in Kirilenko, and a very solid bench with good role players. Really scary team right now.
-The Western conference is CLEARLY better then the East. There are 10 teams in the West with at least a .500 record or better. Meanwhile, there are only 5 teams in the East that have a .500 record or better. YIKES. If Bud Selig was around, half of the Eastern conference would be contracted by now.
-The New York Knicks are currently 1 game out of first place (at 8-14 btw. Has there ever been a division more futile then the Atlantic? Someone from this division is going to get in the playoffs? WHAT?!?!). On top of that, Eddy Curry has finally been playing up to his potential (averaging 27 ppg, 10.5 rebounds per game, 1.2 steals, and 1.4 blocks per game in December), David Lee and the rest of the bench is playing out their god damn minds, and Stephon Marbury is still sulking in a corner somewhere.
What does that all mean? It means James Dolan will see improvement, won't fire Isiah, and I'll have to live with 2-3 more years of mediocrity. This is the life of a Knicks fan.
-If the playoffs started today, Minnesota would get the 8th spot in the West and would get trounced in the first round again for the 9th time in 10 years. Hey Mchale, show KG some pity and trade him to a contender!!!
-Orlando is another suprise in the league. Even more suprising is that they are 7-2 against the Western Conference. Dwight Howard MVP candidate?
-If the playoffs started today, Atlanta would have the 8th seed. If the season ended with Atlanta making the playoffs, pigs would start flying, hell would freeze over, and Israeli gov't officials would admit to framing the Muslims for 9/11. Seriously, when was the last time Atlanta made the playoffs?
-The New Jersey Nets are better then their record. It's obvious basketball isn't on the mind of the Nets right now. They need to get to the bottom of this closet homosexual in their ranks. Until then, they'll continue to suck. Oh yeah, and until they learn to play defense, they'll continue to suck.
-OH LOOK GUYS, AN "ALLEN IVERSON ABOUT TO BE TRADED" SITUATION, SUPRISE SUPRISE. WHAT? MANNY RAMIREZ WANTS TO BE TRADED TOO? I DIDNT SEE THAT COMING EITHER.
-If I had a vote, Melo is my first quarter MVP. He has been playing out of his mind so far and continuing his great play from the World Championships over the Summer. Yao Ming, Joe Johnson, Carlos Boozer, Lebron, Dwight Heezy, Dirk, Duncan, KG, and Nash round out the top 10.
MLB:
-Every pitcher on the market's value has become hyper inflated. #3 and #4 pitchers are making #2 starer money. #2 starters are making Ace money. Vicente Padilla is worth 11 million dollars per year for 4 years. Jason Schmidt is worth 16 Million a year for 3 years. I'm sure if I tested the open waters right now and told people I throw 85 mph left handed, I'd net about 5-6 mill a year for 4 years.
-Position players are also getting overpaid. Carlos Lee and Soriano are going to make 17 mill a year. JD Drew will be making 14 Mill per year. All of a sudden, Yankees only paying 20 mill per year for A-rod is a good deal. Beltran getting paid 17 mill a year is a bargain. Pujols being paid 15 mill a year is the steal of the century.
-Best deal of the offseason goes to the colorado rockies for signing Jeff Francis to a 13 mill deal for 4 years. A legit #2 starter imo, he could be commanding 10-12 mill per year on the open market. Instead the Rockies lock him up for cheap.
Best trade that helped both teams is the Deal b/w the phillies and White sox. The phillies didn't need Gavin Floyd for the future. They needed a pitcher now. Garcia will help the immediately. Meanwhile, the White sox have the time to coddle Floyd until he's ready considering the White sox have enough pitching.
NFL:
-As of right now, the San Diego Chargers are the favorites to win the Super Bowl. However, I still don't trust their secondary and I still won't trust any team coached by Marty Schottenheimer. He is the A-rod of Football coaching. Looks great in the regular season but is terrible in the postseason. However, can his team being too good overcome Marty's softbatchness?
-The second best team in the NFL is the Indianapolis Colts imo. However, Peyton Manning is to QBing as to Marty is to coaching. Has there ever been a season in the NFL where the top 2 teams in the league have known choke artists on the payroll?
-Chicago is the third best team in the league but their coach refuses to replace a completely ineffective QB. If Brian Griese is starting, this could be the best team in the NFL. I think Lovie Smith secretely hates Chicagoans.
-Whoever Jessica Simpson goes out with, that guy ends up looking like a million bucks after they break up (no homo). Nick Lachey had a huge year post-Jessica. John Mayer dissed the fuck outta Jessica and dropped a pretty good album. I'm waiting for Tony Romo to call it quits with her. He'll probably be hoisting a Super Bowl trophy in January if this happens.
-Do people find Vince Young being this good this fast as scary as I do? He possibly dismantled the Giants season by himself and engineered a 4th quarter to take down a top 4 team in the Colts. Goes to show you, scouts shouldn't give a lick about the Wonderlic (OMG MY BAD I HAD TO DO IT).
-AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH, Strahan could quite possibly out for the season. I'm way too bewildered to talk about the Giants right now.
-LOL. It's fitting that the Eagles are being led by a blatant homosexual. This just in, Jeff Garcia just signed with the New Jersey Nets.
NBA:
-The Utah Jazz has clearly been the suprise of the league so far. Well to everyone but me and a select few NBA analysts, I guess. I had them being in the top 6 of their conference. Right now, they defenitely look like they are at least that. Could this be Jerry Sloan's year to win an NBA championship? He's got all the pieces in place. A low post go to guy in Boozer, an extremely savvy point guard and a perimeter go to guy in Deron Williams, a very good #3 option in Okur, a defensive stopper in Kirilenko, and a very solid bench with good role players. Really scary team right now.
-The Western conference is CLEARLY better then the East. There are 10 teams in the West with at least a .500 record or better. Meanwhile, there are only 5 teams in the East that have a .500 record or better. YIKES. If Bud Selig was around, half of the Eastern conference would be contracted by now.
-The New York Knicks are currently 1 game out of first place (at 8-14 btw. Has there ever been a division more futile then the Atlantic? Someone from this division is going to get in the playoffs? WHAT?!?!). On top of that, Eddy Curry has finally been playing up to his potential (averaging 27 ppg, 10.5 rebounds per game, 1.2 steals, and 1.4 blocks per game in December), David Lee and the rest of the bench is playing out their god damn minds, and Stephon Marbury is still sulking in a corner somewhere.
What does that all mean? It means James Dolan will see improvement, won't fire Isiah, and I'll have to live with 2-3 more years of mediocrity. This is the life of a Knicks fan.
-If the playoffs started today, Minnesota would get the 8th spot in the West and would get trounced in the first round again for the 9th time in 10 years. Hey Mchale, show KG some pity and trade him to a contender!!!
-Orlando is another suprise in the league. Even more suprising is that they are 7-2 against the Western Conference. Dwight Howard MVP candidate?
-If the playoffs started today, Atlanta would have the 8th seed. If the season ended with Atlanta making the playoffs, pigs would start flying, hell would freeze over, and Israeli gov't officials would admit to framing the Muslims for 9/11. Seriously, when was the last time Atlanta made the playoffs?
-The New Jersey Nets are better then their record. It's obvious basketball isn't on the mind of the Nets right now. They need to get to the bottom of this closet homosexual in their ranks. Until then, they'll continue to suck. Oh yeah, and until they learn to play defense, they'll continue to suck.
-OH LOOK GUYS, AN "ALLEN IVERSON ABOUT TO BE TRADED" SITUATION, SUPRISE SUPRISE. WHAT? MANNY RAMIREZ WANTS TO BE TRADED TOO? I DIDNT SEE THAT COMING EITHER.
-If I had a vote, Melo is my first quarter MVP. He has been playing out of his mind so far and continuing his great play from the World Championships over the Summer. Yao Ming, Joe Johnson, Carlos Boozer, Lebron, Dwight Heezy, Dirk, Duncan, KG, and Nash round out the top 10.
MLB:
-Every pitcher on the market's value has become hyper inflated. #3 and #4 pitchers are making #2 starer money. #2 starters are making Ace money. Vicente Padilla is worth 11 million dollars per year for 4 years. Jason Schmidt is worth 16 Million a year for 3 years. I'm sure if I tested the open waters right now and told people I throw 85 mph left handed, I'd net about 5-6 mill a year for 4 years.
-Position players are also getting overpaid. Carlos Lee and Soriano are going to make 17 mill a year. JD Drew will be making 14 Mill per year. All of a sudden, Yankees only paying 20 mill per year for A-rod is a good deal. Beltran getting paid 17 mill a year is a bargain. Pujols being paid 15 mill a year is the steal of the century.
-Best deal of the offseason goes to the colorado rockies for signing Jeff Francis to a 13 mill deal for 4 years. A legit #2 starter imo, he could be commanding 10-12 mill per year on the open market. Instead the Rockies lock him up for cheap.
Best trade that helped both teams is the Deal b/w the phillies and White sox. The phillies didn't need Gavin Floyd for the future. They needed a pitcher now. Garcia will help the immediately. Meanwhile, the White sox have the time to coddle Floyd until he's ready considering the White sox have enough pitching.
NFL:
-As of right now, the San Diego Chargers are the favorites to win the Super Bowl. However, I still don't trust their secondary and I still won't trust any team coached by Marty Schottenheimer. He is the A-rod of Football coaching. Looks great in the regular season but is terrible in the postseason. However, can his team being too good overcome Marty's softbatchness?
-The second best team in the NFL is the Indianapolis Colts imo. However, Peyton Manning is to QBing as to Marty is to coaching. Has there ever been a season in the NFL where the top 2 teams in the league have known choke artists on the payroll?
-Chicago is the third best team in the league but their coach refuses to replace a completely ineffective QB. If Brian Griese is starting, this could be the best team in the NFL. I think Lovie Smith secretely hates Chicagoans.
-Whoever Jessica Simpson goes out with, that guy ends up looking like a million bucks after they break up (no homo). Nick Lachey had a huge year post-Jessica. John Mayer dissed the fuck outta Jessica and dropped a pretty good album. I'm waiting for Tony Romo to call it quits with her. He'll probably be hoisting a Super Bowl trophy in January if this happens.
-Do people find Vince Young being this good this fast as scary as I do? He possibly dismantled the Giants season by himself and engineered a 4th quarter to take down a top 4 team in the Colts. Goes to show you, scouts shouldn't give a lick about the Wonderlic (OMG MY BAD I HAD TO DO IT).
-AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH, Strahan could quite possibly out for the season. I'm way too bewildered to talk about the Giants right now.
-LOL. It's fitting that the Eagles are being led by a blatant homosexual. This just in, Jeff Garcia just signed with the New Jersey Nets.
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