Episode 11: Fantasy Futbol HOLLA!

I know, I know. It's been a while since I wrote you. Can you blame me? Nothing really great in sports right now. I haven't seen a great movie in a while. And I only get hit on by underage chicks (some of my readers would probably think that is a good thing). However, there is one thing I can write about. You can smell it in the air, can't you? Yes, football is on its way. With all this talk of training camps, Terrell Owens, and bulletproof vests, another phenomenon has sinked it's claws into American culture that is tied into the football season. FANTASY FOOTBALL. That's right, with preseason games about to start soon, fantasy football drafts are right around the corner. WHO BETTER THEn BIG POPPA TO DISH OUT FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS AND INFO TO THE NEEDY?!?! Brandon Funston? Cracka plz. Eric Karrabell? He's just not gully enough to tell it how it is. plus he works for the man. On to the show!

Quarterbacks:

1. Peyton Manning
Pros- He's Peyton fucking Manning. Dude's a fantasy machine. Is averaging 35 TD passes a year and 10 INTs a year during the past 3 years. Has thrown for at least 3,700 yards for every year of his career. Has thrown 26 TD passes every year of his career. Plus, with no Edge, there's a chance that the Colts will actually throw more. Has weapons galore.

Cons- Losing Edge is a double edged sword for Peyton's fantasy owners. Sure he'll probably throw more now but don't you think opposing defenses know that? He'll see alot of 2 safeties deep everytime he drops back. Losing James also means his bread and butter (playaction pass) will lose some of it's Edge (pun intended). Peyton better pray addai and rhodes can pick up the slack.

2. Tom Brady
Pros- Throws to everyone and rarely makes a mistake. Has thrown at least 20 TD passes every year since 2002. Threw for 4000 yards last year. Never has thrown more then 15 INTs in his career. Has 2 good running backs that'll keep defenses honest. Safest pick.

Cons- Deion Branch is holding out. Never a good thing to see your #1 receiver holding out. Maroney/Dillon combo will mean less Brady pass attempts. He's a golden boy faggot that takes magazine pictures with his dogs. You usually want your fantasy QB to be more gully then that.

3. Carson Palmer
Pros- Has as much upside as Peyton Manning. Has all the tools and lots of weapons. Threw 32 TD passes last year to lead the league.

Cons- That knee could hold him back. Plus the bengals look like they might run the ball more this year. That would put a hit to Palmer's fantasy value.

3. Matt Hasslebeck
Pros- One of the more efficient QBs last year. Only threw 9 INTs. Has thrown at least 20 tds every year in the past 3 years. Has some solid weapons at his disposal. Because everyone in his division sucks, he faces cupcake defenses.

Cons- He has a severely receding hairline that would give Hulk Hogan a run for his money. All his WRs drop balls. no homo. Nate burleson happens to be a member of his WR core. Lost a huge member of the Offensive line in Hutchinson.

4. Daunte Culpepper
Pros- Has talent and alot of weapons. Let's count them off. Chambers. Booker. Wes Walker. Derek Hagan. Randy McMichael. Ronnie Brown. He is also a rushing threat. Plus unlike Vick, he can actually throw the ball.

Cons- He also has a bum knee and a history of injuries. Plus you have to get over the fact that he fumbles the football more then George W. Bush does with words during his speeches.

5. Eli Manning
Pros- He's a Manning. He also has a multitude of weapons. This could be the year he puts it all together. Unlike Palmer or Culpepper ahead of him, has no injury history.

Cons- Might help you win the important fantasy category of "drunken pictures taken with underage females". You are banking on potential here. He threw 17 INTs last year. Looks like a fucking goofball. His father's name is Archie.

6. Donovan Mcnabb
Pros- He can throw and pass equally well. Has a history of doing it all by himself.

Cons- Has missed large chunks of a season in 2 of the past 4 seasons due to injury. If your grandmother was signed to join their receiving core, it would be considered an upgrade.

7. Marc Bulger
Pros- Has a history of huge passing numbers. WR core looks dangerous.

Cons- Injury History. Has lost one of the best offensive minds in football in Mike Martz.

8. Jake Delhomme
Pros- Is lucky enough to be able to throw to Steve Smith. He also has keyshawn too.

Cons- He looks like taylor hicks in pads.

9. Kurt Warner
Pros- former MVP with weapons galore in arizona.

Cons- Injury history, fumbling problems, and his wife looks tougher then he does.

10. Drew Bledsoe
Pros- Terrell Owens is on his team.

Cons- Terrell Owens is on his team.

Best of the Rest:
11. Trent Green- Good history but now plays in a Herman Edwards offense.
12. Jake Plummer- he was good last year but he's fucking jake plummer.
13. Drew brees- Good QB that's coming off shoulder surgery.
14. Steve McNair- Good QB with weapons around him in Baltimore. Injury history so might have to handcuff with boller.
15. Michael Vick- Runningback playing QB. He throws like a RB too.
16. Byron Leftwich- Retirement of Jimmy Smith hurts.
17. Brett Favre- Could throw more INTs then TD passes.
18. Aaron Brooks- Could be helped by the fact that Randy Moss is on his team.
19. Ben Roflzberger- Just pray he puts on his helmet during football games.
20. David Carr- Pray that his offensive line can keep him off his ass cause he has the talent and weapons.

Running backs:

1. Larry Johnson
Pros- Was on fire at the end of last year. Finished last year with 21 total TDs and over 2000 yards total offense. Herman Edwards is the type of coach that will run the ball on third and 8 so you know LJ will get alot of carries. Has one of the best Offensive lines in the NFL blocking for him.

Cons- Willie Roaf retired. With the Chiefs weak receivers coupled with Herman Edwards unimaginative playcalling, LJ could see alot of 8 man fronts.

2. LaDainian Tomilson
Pros- Does it all. Runs the ball effective and catches the ball out of the backfield. Scored 20 TDs last year. With Phillip Rivers at the helm, you can expect a steady dosage of Tomilson.

Cons- Is only the second best player of all time with the same initials. Fact that Rivers is at the helm could mean that he'll see alot of 8 man fronts. Has touched teh ball alot in the past 4 years....he could break down sooner then expected.

3. Shaun Alexander
Pros- Remarkably consistent. Has scored 20 TDs in each of the past two years, including the record last year. Owns 2 of the top 20 rushing seasons of all time. Durable.

Cons- Lost huge piece of o-line in hutchinson. Is on the Madden cover this year. All players who've had legendary years have really down years the next year. Not much of a receiver at all.

4. Clinton Portis
Pros- Great talent with immense speed. New offensive coordinator (al Saunders) has a history of getting the best out of his RBs. Gibbs likes to run the ball alot.

Cons- Plays in an extremely tough division when it comes to defenses. Treats everyday like it's holloween. Wouldn't be suprised if there's a scandal involving him, a couple hoggettes, and a motel room.

5. Tiki Barber
Pros- He is Tomilson lite. Runs well and catches well. Lead league in total yards from scrimmage last year. scored at least 11 tds in each of last 2 years. In a juggernaut of an offense.

Cons- Has fumbling history even the he's been good the past 2 years. He is on the wrong side of 30. Brandon Jacobs could vulture some TDs away from him.

Best of the Rest:
6. Edge- Does everything well and now plays in a great offense in arizona.
7. Rudi Johnson- Could be a breakout year this year for Rudi.
8. Ronnie Brown- a player very similar to Edge in style.
9. Lamont jordan- Art Shell will run the ball more.
10. Steven Jackson- Needs to be more consistent but has alot of potential.
11. Cadillac- Injury bug hit him during his rookie season.
12. Domanick Davis- very consistent RB.
13. Kevin Jones- pray that Martz doesn't neglect him like he did with Faulk sometimes.
14. Brian Westbrook- would be a ranked higher if he was more durable and got more touches.
15. Willis Mcgahee- great RB in a horrible situation.
16. Julius Jones- handcuff with marion barber III.
17. Warrick Dunn- lots of yards, not alot of scores.
18. Chester Taylor- could have a breakout year with a huge o-line blocking for him.
19. Corey dillon- Has come to training camp looking downright sexy.
20. Reggie Bush- He will touch the ball alot. running, catching, or kick and punt returns.

Wide Receivers:

1. Steve Smith
Pros- He either lead the league or tied the league lead in receptions, receiving yards, and TD catches. Keyshawn should take some of the pressure of him. He'll also get the ball alot on end arounds and on punt returns.

Cons- Smallish WR isn't exactly a redzone threat. He did miss a whole year 2 years ago so he does have an injury history. Plays in a balanced offense.

2. Terrell Owens
Pros- Probably the biggest endzone threat out of all the WRs. Will see majority of the balls thrown his way in the passing attack.

Cons- He can self destruct at anytime. Bill Parcells is always a run first head coach. Drew Bledsoe is his QB.

3. Chad Johnson
Pros- Redzone threat. Good to catch about 90+ balls. Has an excellent QB throwing to him.

Cons- Even though Carson Palmer is great, he is injured. This could lead to the bengals running the ball more in the beginning of the season to protect palmer more.

4. Tory Holt
Pros- Tory Big Game Holt is clearly the best WR in his unit. Will see the majority of the balls thrown his way. Good for at least 90-100 catches. Always consistent.

Cons- Missed 2 games last year due to injury for the first time in his career. Rams plan to run more. Since he is clearly the best WR on the team, defenses will pay alot of attention to him.

5. Larry Fitzgerald
Pros- Big WR that is an endzone threat. Plays in a pass happy system. Tied for the league lead in receptions last year. Defenses can't key on him. Since the defense isn't very good, team will be playing from behind alot.....that means more passing.

Cons- Has to share the ball with Anquan Boldin.

6. Randy Moss
Pros- Most talented WR in the game. Should be good for 10 TDs. Can score from anywhere in the field.

Cons- Doesn't always play hard. Whizzinator can fall out of his uniform at any moment.

7. Marvin Harrison
Pros- Peyton's favorite WR. Mr. Consistent. Scored 12 TDs last year. Plays in a pass happy offense that might pass even more this year.

Cons- Is a little long in the tooth. Stats wise, he has been on the decline. Reggie Wayne might steal some catches from him.

Best of the Rest:
8. Anquan Boldin- Same advantages as Fitzgerald except not as much of a redzone threat and more of an injury concern.
9. Chris Chambers- Duante to Chambers combo could be something to look out for this season. Big redzone threat.
10. Hines Ward- Could be the best all around WR in the NFL. Unfortunately, plays in a run first offense.
11. Darrell Jackson- Could be higher on this list if he didn't drop the ball so much. Plus Alexander gets all the touches in the redzone.
12. Santana Moss- Played like a top 10 WR last year and could be even better with a better supporting cast this year since the defense will key on him less. Could also mean less looks.
13. Plaxico Burress- Eli's security blanket and a huge redzone threat with his size.
14. Roy Williams- Could be one of two things. A breakout year or another dissappointing season.
15. Donald Driver- The packers could be trailing alot. That means Driver will be catching alot of passes.
16. Javon Walker- Could be a huge suprise coming off injury.
17. Deion Branch- Brady's favorite option is hindered by the fact QB spreads it around.
18. Joey Galloway- Great speed WR that is held back because of chris simms. Getting old.
19. Derrick Mason- McNair and Mason are reunited. Chemistry is a big thing with WRs and QBs.
20. Andre Johnson- Could breakout. Again. O-line needs to hold up though.

Tight Ends:

1. Antonio Gates
Pros- Always an endzone threat. Always good for at least 10 TDs. Is the primary receiver in the Chargers offense.

Cons- Is playing with a first year QB. Chargers expect to run the ball more this year.

2. Tony Gonzalez
Pros- Primary receiver in the Chiefs offense. Good for 70 catches.

Cons- Herman Edwards unimaginative playcalling so Chiefs will probably run the ball more then last year. LJ is getting all the touches in the redzone.

3. Jeremy Shockey
Pros- Plays in a pass happy offense. Redzone threat.

Cons- Is always nicked up. Will probably have more blocking responsibilities then anyone in the top 5 other then crumpler.

4. Todd Heap
Pros- Finally has a reliable QB to throw the ball to him. Has been remarkably good without a good QB.

Cons- Always an injury risk.

5. Alge Crumpler
Pros- Vick's favorite target.

Cons- Has to rely on Vick throwing him the ball.

Best of the Rest:
6. Chris Cooley- Al Saunders utilizes the TE a good deal. Cooley was already very good last year.
7. Jason Witten- Consistently good TE
8. Randy McMichael- Finally has a good QB throwing him the ball.
9. Heath Miller- Good TE. Run-first offense.
10. LJ Smith- Reggie Brown might be McNabb's only other reliable receiver.
11. Ben Watson- Brady loves to throw to those TEs and Watson is clearly the best one.
12. Vernon Davis- Who else is alex smith going to throw to? Plus he IS a freak.

Kickers:
1. Adam Vinatieri- Game's best reality kicker now plays on NFL's best offense.
2. Neil Rackers- Will defenitely get alot of opportunities. Strong leg.
3. Jason Elam- Has always been an extremly reliable kicker.
4. Jay Feely- will get alot of opportunities with that great offense.
5. Mike Vanderjagt- Has the cowboys finally solved their kicking problems?
6. Shayne Graham- Had a really good year last year. Offense is still kinda weak.
7. Jeff Wilkins
8. John Kasay
9. Josh Brown
10. Matt Stover

Defense:
1. Chicago Bears- Stingiest defense in the nfl plays in the worst division. pretty easy pick.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers- Blitzing scheme accumulates sacks and causes turnovers.
3. Carolina Panthers- That defensive line gets alot of sacks. that means lots of points.
4. Indy colts- Freeney and a suprising amount of turnovers.
5. Tampa Bay Bucs- A good all around defensive unit.
6. Seattle Seahawks- Defense actually improved over last year.
7. Baltimore Ravens- Always a sound unit to pick in the later rounds.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars- Very stingy unit.
9. New York Giants- Should accumulate alot of sacks.
10. Washington Redskins- Gregg Williams' defenses always play well.