Episode 14: BAAAAAAAAAAALLLLIIIIIN

Western Conference:
1. San Antonio Spurs
2. Phoenix Suns
3. Dallas Mavericks
4. Houston Rockets
5. LA Clippers
6. Utah Jazz
7. LA Lakers
8. Sacramemto Kings
9. Golden State Warriors
10. New Orleans Hornets
11. Denver Nuggets
12. Minnesota T-wolves
13. Seattle Supersonics
14. Memphis Grizzlies
15. Portland Traiblazers

Eastern Conference:
1. Cleveland Cavaliers
2. Chicago Bulls
3. New Jersey Nets
4. Detroit Pistons
5. Washington Wizards
6. Miami Heat
7. Indiana Pacers
8. Orlando Magic
9. Milwaukee Bucks
10. Charlotte Bobcats
11. Toronto Raptors
12. New York Knicks
13. Philedelphia 76ers
14. Atlanta Hawks
15. Boston Celtics

Atlantic Division:
1. New Jersey Nets

-The class of the division by far. Any team with Kidd, Carter, and Jefferson will contend. Marcus Williams will be able to give Kidd some breathers this year and keep him fresh for the playoffs. Still is one big man away from contending. Is also one huge injury or a domestic violence charge to Kidd away from the lottery. Will Jay-Z's pending album release be a distraction since he's promoting himself more then Nas and the Nets. DROP THE REDMAN ALBUM YOU FAGGOT ASS CAMEL!!

2. Toronto Raptors

-I think they are much improved. Bosh is going to take his game up to the next level. Man's all around game is nice. they also picked up solid players like Fred Jones, TJ Ford, Anthony Parker. Still a somewhat flawed team. Their biggest flaw being (que Stephen A) RASHO NESTEROVIC.

3. New York Knicks

-The Larry Brown situation last year was a mess. He hated everyone on the team. The whole team hated him. That alone could mean 6-8 more wins. They also are going to play at a higher tempo. One problem though. They still can't guard anyone for a lick and Stephon Marbury is still playing point guard. I'd say let's destroy this team but we don't have a lottery pick (or as i like to call it, a greg oden pick) to look forward to. All in All, this is a lost season.

4. Philedelphia 76ers

-Another flawed team. Webber is worthless. Only players worth a lick on this team is AI and Iguodala even though Carney can be good too. I can't see how this team can be any good. Especially with Allen Iverson dominating the ball the way he does. Imagine Iverson and Artest came out with a rap album together? I think David Stern would have a heart attack and then Don Corleone their asses after he recovered.

5. Boston Celtics

-Paul Pierce is the fucking truth. One of the more underrated ballplayers in the NBA. But waaaaaaaaaaaaay too many youngins on this squad. All this Rondo hype is sickening. People will get a reality check once he starts facing real NBA defenses that'll lock his ass down. Al Jefferson better start cashing in on his potential. LOL, looks like this team is in the Greg Oden hunt.

Southeast Division:
1. Washington Wizards

-Gilbert Arenas is going to kill everyone this year. Not only is he the craziest mamma jamma in the league, but he also is one of the best. He will lead the league in scoring this year, mark my words. They also have some solid pieces around them. They also play some solid defense. They need to rebound better though but they can defenitely contend in this conference.

2. Miami Heat

-I'm not sold on this team. They are too old around Wade. Shaq, Payton, and Alonzo are playing in wheelchairs and canes. No real scorers around Wade. However, since Wade and Riley have the NBA referees on the payroll, they'll make some noise in the playoffs.

3. Orlando Magic

-One of my sleeper teams. One injury to anyone in their starting lineup WILL hurt them. Dwight Howard is a beast though and Jameer Nelson is turning out to be a good PG. I can't believe i'm saying this but Darko can be a pretty good player alongside Dwight Heezy. Plus him and Hedo Turkogolu can speak in Kazakhstan, or whatever language they speak, to each other. On the court, that is a huge edge.

4. Charlotte Bobcats

-Another team i like as a sleeper squad. All this team really needed was a scorer and they got the best one in the draft in Adam Morrison. A nucleus of Felton, G. Wallace, Okafor, and Morison is a pretty good one to build around.

5. Atlanta Hawks

Since Speedy Claxton signed with them, they will endure the curse of Mike NJJ. Young squad with alot of talent. Marvin Williams injury already set them back. Josh Smith aka Ghetto Kirilenko is the new human highlight reel. He's a sportscenter top 10 waiting to happen in every game. You think Joe Johnson is kicking himself for not resigning with phoenix? Is being the man THAT important?!?!

Central Division
1. Cleveland Cavaliers

-So far my #1 ranked team in the conference. They have the best player in the nba. They play defense. They have a couple of rebounders. They have a couple of shooters. They have a #2 scorer in Larry Hughes. Right now, this team looks pretty good and they didnt even make a major move during the offseason. Now all we have to do is wait to see who wins between Buisness Lebron and Wise Lebron. I got my money on Buisness. He is way too cool.

2. Chicago Bulls

-They are an extremely good team. Excellent actually. Probably the best defensive team in the NBA. They have great defenders at every position. They are also extremely well coached by Scott Skiles. They are extremely athletic. However, I have three problems with them. 1) They don't have a go to scorer. 2) Ben Wallace is a liability at the end of close games. Not only can he not create offense for himself, he can't even hit a good clip of free throws. A double whammy when you don't have a go to scorer. 3) I've hated the Bulls since I was a kid.

3. Detroit Pistons

-A very good well rounded team. Losing Ben Wallace is going to be big though. Billups (even though a great PG) isn't a very good defensive player. Opposing PGs are going to get in the paint consistently against them. Ben used to counteract that. Now, it's buckets. At least they still have Rasheed and Rip. I can't root for anyteam that has Tayshaun Prince on it though. He just reeks of bitchiness. I CAN root for a team that has a Mohammed though. Props to Joe Dumars for that.

4. Indiana Pacers

-Well, you can count on one thing. They'll lead the league in players showing up in the Police blotter. Is Bender finally going to break out (and no, i don't mean Mindbender of PF Fame. He who already seems like broke out the looney bin)? I have a feeling Granger will. This guy is in the same mold of Kirilenko and Ghetto Kirilenko. These guys need a PG in a bad way. That's what they get for passing up on Marcus Williams. And think of the possibilities if Marcus Williams got drafted there. Not only do you have shootouts at strip clubs, beatdowns at rivals' arenas, but every beat writer for the Pacers would have to watch the laptops extremely carefully. They had the potential to be the Trailblazers East. Pretty dissappointed in Donnie Walsh and Larry Bird here.

5. Milwaukee Bucks

-Pretty good team. Front court of Bogut, Villanueva, and Bobby Simmons has loads of potential. Michael Redd's a great shooter. Mo Williams is a nice young point. They just miss out on the playoffs mainly because of the numbers game. I can easily see the Bucks sneaking in the playoffs.

Pacific Division
1. Phoenix Suns

-Went to the Western Conference Finals without Amare last year. Now they have Amare back. SCARY. Nash still can't play D but can still play the heck out of the PG position. Marion is still one of the more underrated ball players in basketball. Raja Bell can still clothesline Kobe during any given Laker game. He should've clotheslined Lamar Odom yesterday. Yikes. How many times do you think Gloss will say Leandro Barbosa's name wrong? I IMed him this morning and he called him "Barborosa". LOL, when did the Apprentice sign with the Phoenix Suns? Was that Jerry Colangelo's last move as executive of the Suns? Is Donald Trump now the new GM of the Phoenix Suns? Who's glare would win out? Kurt Thomas' or Donald Trump's? Ok Ok. Wait, one more. What's the odds on Gloss calling him "Barboro" or "Babel"? No, for real though. I'll stop. I promise.

2. LA Clippers

-Wasn't it just a couple years ago that everyone was making fun of this team? Now they are a top 10 team in all of basketball. We are counting down the days till Livingston is the point guard over Cassell. As great as Cassell is, Livingston is the future. Now that Elton Brand finally has an all star apperance after five 20 and 10 seasons, do you think he'll start to slack off? Doubt it. No real glaring weakness other then they don't have that much experience.

3. LA Lakers

-Played suprisingly well without Kobe yesterday. I hope Kobe looks at this and starts spreading the ball around. They added a couple of nice players in radmanovic and Farmar. Plus Bynum looks much improved. The biggest key here is whether Kobe trusts his teammates enough.

4. Sacramento Kings

-Artest thinks this team can win a championship? A nucleus of Artest, Bibby, and Brad Miller can contend. But what about the pieces around them? Kevin Martin has a chance to break out and score alot. And i fully endorce any Muslim player nicknamed Reefer. All day every day.

5. Golden State Warriors

-After years of hype, can they finally make the playoffs this year? is RUN TMC back in the form of RUN BRD (Baron, Richardson, Dunleavy)? Is going to be an extremely explosive team but will they play enough defense? Will Baron play a full season? Will Dunleavy stop making goofy faces while he's playing? Seriously. He looks like he has a touch of down.

Northwest Division
1. Utah Jazz

-Their season hinges on Kirilenko staying healthy. Seriously scary team right here. They have some good white players on this team. Lets check them off. Kirilenko, check. Mehmut Okur. Check. Matt Harpring. Check. Greg Ostertag. Check. Carlos Boozer. Check. Deron Williams is going to kill shit this year. When they drafted Ronnie Brewer (who can play some critical minutes for the Jazz this year), I was perplexed. I was like "Sloan does realize that Brewer is black, right?"

2. Denver Nuggets

-Carmelo and that's it. Honestly, look at this team and tell me this is a playoff team. George Karl is a good coach but not that good. Do you think you'll see Melo in the paper for domestic violence this year? Or at least go insane during a game? Think about it. After all the losses mount up, he'll go home to LaLa who will probably talk non stop at 50 words per second. I defenitely don't want to be Melo.

btw, i don't condone beating women of any type. I'd make sweet love to LaLa but with duct tape over her mouth. That'd make fellatio difficult but i'll improvise.

3. Minnesota T-wolves

-This team is talented but look at the roster. McHale must've went to the Bob Whitsit or Isiah Thomas school of GMing. Will Garnett get traded at the trade deadline this year? I got money on it. Possible destinations right now? Chicago and New Jersey.

4. Seattle Supersonics

-Robert Swift going down for the year was the best thing to ever happen to this team. Now Nick Collison can play some minutes. He can play. If Wilcox can give the sonics some muscle to go along with Ray Ray and Rashard's shooting, this could be a dangerous team. Don't bank on it though.

5. Portland Trailblazers

-LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. At least Blazer fans can look forward to watching Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge play. Wait? Aldridge is hurt and out indefenitely? LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Southwest Division
1. San Antonio Spurs

-IMO, the best team in basketball. They play defense. They rebound. They can shoot. They can pass. They can play at any tempo even though they prefer to play with a deliberate half court style. They have a go to player and a #2 scorer. Solid point guard play. Depth. Duncan is back minus the planar fascitits. Could be looking at another MVP year. Only flaw is that they are old at a few key spots.

2. Dallas Mavericks

-Dirk is a great player. He's lacking a little bit on defense but he's a great player. There's just one thing that bothered me last year. During last year's finals, he didn't impose his will on any of the last 4 games. Not at all. Sure the refs didn't give him love like Wade did but at some point during any of those games, Dirk's gotta say "Gimme the ball and get outta my way." There's no way James Posey was bothering him that much where he couldn't do that. It's like Chris Rock in a Greatest All around Comedian of All Time debate. Sure he killed it during SNL. Sure he killed it on the stand up circuit. But unlike Pryor and Eddie, he never did his thing in movies.

3. Houston Rockets

-Yao and Tracy. The potential is there. They just have to connect on some Baby and Lil Wayne shit. Yao just gotta tell Tracy "WTF, nigga. You acting like you lost your father." Then Tracy realizes at that point, he never lost a father. Plus they gotta stay healthy. and not kiss each other on some cash money/Magic Johnson and Isiah type thing. Other then that, they look dangerous.

4. New Orleans Hornets

-Is Chris Paul already the best PG in the NBA? Wow, he's awful close. Now he has Peja and a plethora of big men to pass to. However, I don't think it's their time yet. The West is too stacked and they are too young. One more year. Did you do a double take when you read the fact I used "plethora"? I swear I didn't look in a dictionary or thesaurus. That word IS actually in my vocabulary. Promise.

5. Memphis Grizzlies

-LOL, you gotta love this division. You got names like Yao, Pau, and Bonzi. and Gay. LOL. oh yeah. BTW, Memphis sucks and will continue to suck until Gasol comes back. By that time, it'll be too late.

MVP:
1. Lebron James
2. Tim Duncan
3. Gilbert Arenas
4. Dwyane Wade
5. Kobe Bryant

Defensive Player of the Year:
1. Andrei Kirilenko
2. Ben Wallace
3. Josh Smith
4. Ron Artest
5. Bruce Bowen

Rookie of the Year:
1. Adam Morrison
2. Brandon Roye
3. Randy Foye

Coach of the Year:
1. Jerry Sloan
2. Lawrence Frank
3. Scott Skiles
4. Eddie Jordan
5. Gregg Popovich

All NBA First Team:
G- Gilbert Arenas
G- Kobe Bryant
F- Lebron James
F- Tim Duncan
C- Yao Ming

NBA Championship Prediction:

San Antonio Spurs over the New Jersey Nets or Chicago Bulls. I'm leaning towards the Nets right now. Yeah, I know. I have the Cavs as the #1 ranked team in the conference. Right now, that is my preseason rankings of each team. The Cavs could finish with the #1 seed in the East and I don't think they'll go to the finals. It's not Lebron's time yet. I'm sure the NBA is hopeing for it. That'd be a ratings coupe. Also, Garnett getting traded or other moves or injuries can defenitely change the landscape of the Eastern Conference. If the Chicago Bulls get Garnett, they will look downright scary. So can the Nets if they acquire KG. As of right now, I have the Spurs over the Nets.