Episode 6: It's Not Easy Being Brown

If you have read the other blogs written by the Philaflava collective, then mine will look familiar to you. This episode has been directly influenced by Cashmere's 10 things I enjoy about being Black. However, I'm going to flip the script. This is basically 10 things I dislike about being Brown. I don't hate being Brown. Hate is an extremely strong word. I love myself and the color of my skin. I also love my people and my culture. However, there are some things that brown people do or how people react to brown people that get on my nerves. So, let's go through them, shall we?

10 Things I Dislike about being Brown (In no particular order)

10. Diabetes

Most brown adults I have met over 40 are diabetic. Many Brown people under the age of 40 are also diabetic. This is troubling. Recently looking up statistics on the internet, I found a troubling stat. 1/4th of the world population that has diabetes are of Indian descent. When you take into account that doesn't even include Arabs, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, and other various brown cultures, that is pretty insane. My father has diabetes. My brother, who is 7 years my junior, has diabetes. Luckily, I don't. But I'm defenitely biding my time. Luckily, I try to ration my candy and other high carb meals and I exercise frequently but I know my time will come. Who would've thought that White people, Homeland security, or malnutriton would be the #1 cause for Brown morbidity in the world but it is Diabetes complications?

9. Gandhi

Now don't get me wrong. Mahatma Gandhi is a great fucking man and was influential throughout the world in obtaining equality for all races and people. But let's face the facts, brown people. It's like 5 steps forward and 1 step backward with this guy. Every brown person in the world in some way, shape, or form is asked about Gandhi. 20% of the people I've met have asked me if I think Gandhi is a great man at one point in their relationship with me and it's usually white people that are the culprits. WTF. Why is that the case? Is it because white people don't consider Gandhi a great man? Why even bother asking that? And let's not forget the genius of using Gandhi as a racial slur against brown people. Gandhi was a world leader and one of the greatest humans in the history of the world! Calling me Gandhi is supposed to be offensive now?!?! I guess so. Going to junior high and high school in a town that is 75% Irish, I've heard it quite a bit. Trust me.

8. Bollywood

Now there have been some great brown films. But most films that come out of Bollywood is complete and utter trash. Most of them are musicals. Half of them are remakes of American films. And they all mostly follow the same fucking formula. Boy meets Girl. Girl is skeptical of Boy. Boy courts Girl. Girl starts to come around. There might be an antagonist that kidnaps Girl. Boy comes to Girls rescue (and somehow Boy learned Kung Fu or some Martial Arts form in his childhood cause if he didn't, he has a keen innate fighting ability) kicks the antagonist's ass. Boy and Girl live happily ever after. Alo, almost every Bollywood film I've seen has had a scene where the guy is chasing the girl through a grass field and they are both singing a song. ALMOST EVERY SINGLE BOLLYWOOD FILM. It almost never fails. One time I saw a Titanic remake. Boy is on a boat with the Girl. Out of nowhere, a song and dance sequence in a grass field comes into the picture. I immediately threw up. Weren't they just on a fucking boat?!?! I know Dhalsim could teleport in the Street Fighter 2 games but c'mon!

7. Someone asking if you worship Cows

This always happen. Whether the person is White, Black, or Asian, it never fails. You WILL be asked if you worship Cows in some form or another. One time I went to a restaurant with one of my boys. It was Applebees, actually. I ordered a steak. Tom stares at me with a pale look on his face like he's just seen a ghost. I asked him if he was alright. "Yo Bag, I didn't know you were allowed to eat beef. I thought you worshiped cows." I think it was the first time a Brown man ever turned red. Now I know what you are saying. It's physically impossible but I swear to god I must've cause as soon as he said that, dude started apologizing for his idiocy. If I worshipped cows, WOULD I FUCKING ORDER A STEAK?!?!? Second of all, HE KNEW I WAS MUSLIM. The saddest part of it all was that he wasn't joking at all. I'm sure Hindus go through the whole "do you eat Pork" routine as well.....but I could give a fuck about Hindus. They are like bizarro Muslims.

6. Other people's reaction to our Food

"OMG YOUR FOOD IS SO SPICY, HOW DO YOU EAT THIS STUFF?" Easy. Just follow these three easy steps. First, you grow a set of balls. Then, you acquire thick skin from hundreds of years of racial intolerance. Last but not least, you cook two different sets of food. One for yourself and the other that is extra spicy for the other people joining you. JUST KIDDING, THE LAST ONE WAS A JOKE!!! Or was it? Anyways, brown people eat this stuff all the time. Naturally, we are used to the spiciness. Using common sense helps sometimes, people. All Homo Sapiens come equipped with this ability. At least, I thought we did.

5. Physical limitations

95% of Brown people are short and unathletic. FACT. When is the last time you've seen a Brown athlete on TV? Think long and hard. Can't do it, can you? The only time I have seen or heard of a Brown athlete is when I'm watching Ivy League sports. Get it? LOL. In all seriousness, the only sports where I've seen a big time Brown athlete is in soccer, cricket, squash, and tennis. Not really big time sports in this part of the world. This stereotype kills me. Everytime I walk on to a basketball court I've never been to before, I'm guaranteed to be one of the last picks. It's all good though. It makes it all the better when I drop the hammer on em.

4. When I'm driving down the street, a pedestrian will try to wave me over.....

No, I'm not picking your ignorant ass up. Not all Brown people are taxi drivers, asshole. Next person trying to flag me down will get run over and become a permanent fixture on the street.

3. We're late to everything

Brown people work on different time schedules then everyone else. Whenever I go to work, I'm 5-10 minutes late. If you're trying to get a whole bunch of Brown people together for a social gathering, you're guaranteed they'll be late anywhere from a half an hour to an hour. So if I want to meet up with some friends at 9, I'll tell my Brown friends to meet me at 8:30. And they'll still be late. Also, if you go to any functions or shows run by Brown people, be prepared to be in for a long night. They always start late and end late.

2. The way we dance

I've seen the way Brown people dance at functions, weddings, shows, concerts, etc. It's horrid. I'll give us credit though. We love to dance, no matter how foolish we look.

1. All Brown people are considered terrorists

Let's face it. If anything happens in the US, people will point their fingers at brown people. Someone bombed a historical landmark? Brown people. Stock Market crashed? Brown people. Michael Jackson molested another little kid? Brown people and they probably ruined his music career too. We're to blame for every little thing that happens in this world. During finals week at school, I never shave. So I had shaggy hair and a full fledged beard. You couldn't believe the amount of stares I'd get on the subway. I probably evoked some gasps as well. What? A Brown man can't rock a beard without being labeled a terrorist nowadays? That's fucked up. Every brown man should have a right to rock a beard. This is ridiculous. Oh yeah, let's not forget that my phone is tapped by Homeland Security. Everytime I'm talking to someone on the phone, I hear random clicks during the call. I swear, I'm not paranoid. I really do hear clicks. They are coming after me and I'm innocent, I say. Innocent. Oh yeah, let's not forget the airport. There'll be 3-4 white people who walk into the terminal unchecked.....but when if I walk through the Metal detectors at the terminal, all the alarms would ring and all the guards would say "GET ON THE FLOOR, HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM". "Sir, It's probably my belt buckle or my PSP". "HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!!!!" Ummmmmmm, ok. Meanwhile, the white people who passed in front of me could've been potential terrorists too. Don't people remember Timothy McVeigh or the Unabomber? Don't forget the shoe bomber. Oh, they were probably really pale Brown people. It all makes sense now.