NFL Draft Review (Episode 4: The Saints come marching in)

This past weekend was probably a big weekend for alot of hardcore football fanatics. The NFL Draft, baby. If you didn't know, you were obviously not watching ESPN at all last week. Jesus, they ODed on the NFL draft coverage last week and shoved it down everyone's throats. Anyways, here are my draft winners and losers for the weekend.

New York Giants
Status: Loser

Maybe I'm being too harsh on them. But WTF were they doing? These guys drafted a defensive end in the first round when he we have to pro bowl DEs and another promising DE on the bench. Thing is, I called it right before the pick happened. When I was at my boy Tom's crib this weekend for this NFL draft party he was holding, he asked me who I thought the Giants were drafting. My answer was jokingly "Probably some guy named babinshawika cause EA loves drafting players with foreign sounding names." Boom, they pick Mathias Kiwanuka. I'm convinced Ernie Accorsi's toupee is slowly seeping into his brain. They made up for it by trading up and picking Sinorice Moss in the second round. I can see Moss exploding as the slot receiver in the Giant offense. After that, the draft was blah. One thing that upsets me is that we could've had a player I really liked in Oshinowo but instead drafted a DT named Barry Cofield. Oh yeah, they draft an offensive tackle named Guy Whimper. Best name in the draft. Also the gayest. Accorsi loves these names, i'm telling you. Of course they didn't draft Oshinowo because Accorsi filled up his quota for foreign names. Asshole.

New York Jets
Status: Winner

My boy Tom hates it when offensive lineman are picked in the first round. In fact, he exploded and almost started to break down when D'brick was the first round pick. I thought he was going to spontaneously combust. However, this is the right pick here. The Jets gave up a boatload of sacks. Which is why I think they also drafted Mangold, the center from Ohio State. I like the Clemens pick even though he was picked ahead of Croyle, Whitehurst, and Jacobs. Me and Tom convinced one of our friends that Clemens was one of Roger Clemens' son. Dude is a hardcore Yankee fan and took this as a sign that the Jets and Yankees were working together on bringing Clemens back to New York. Good times. I also liked their picks of Anthony Schlegel, MLB from OSU, and Leon Washington, RB from FSU.

Arizona Cardinals
Status: Big time winner

The cardinals first four picks were all top notch. Leinart will be a Pro Bowl QB there for years with all those weapons. I bet you he's ecstatic. Not only does he get to hand off to Edge and throw to Boldin and Fitzgerald.....but the hot chick ratio in Arizona is almost as good as the holy trinity of hot chick habitats: Miami, NYC, California. They addressed their O-line problems with Taitusi, drafted a TE who I felt had a late first round/early second round grade in Leonard Pope, and drafted a DT who I felt had a early second round grade in Gabe Watson. Dennis Green is doing cartwheels in Arizona.

Atlanta Falcons
Status: Winner

LUCKY SON OF A BITCHES. They got a first round talent in the middle of the second round in Jimmy Williams. They'll have a tough secondary for years with Jimmy Will and Dangelo Hall roaming the defensive backfield. I'm also a big fan of their pick of Jerius Norwood, the RB from Miss St. He's a blazer.

Buffalo Bills
Status: Loser

Everyone at the Draft party was laughing at the Bills pick of Donte Whitner at 8. Well, everyone but my friend Eddy....who happens to be a Bills fan. They also reached for DT John McCargo when they traded up to 26th in the first round to get. I like McCargo though. Think he's a solid player. Has a funny last name though. If McDonalds were to have their own Airline, it'd be called McCargo. Imagine going on an airplane and instead of getting garbage airline food, you got McDonalds, Wendys, or BK? I'd love that airline. And considering how unhealthy and obese America is on the whole, it would be a huge sucess. How come no one has thought of this already? I brought this up at the draft party and my boy Tom said "Trust me, they wouldn't allow you within a 200 feet radius of that plane either, Bag." Fuck you, Tom. Fuck you. Btw, don't worry, Eddy. At least you'll have a good shot at Brady Quinn next year.

Chicago Bears
Status: Loser

The Bears need help on offense. So with Sinorice Moss and Leonard Pope on the board, two players that could've really helped the Bears offense, they picked Daneal Manning.....a cornerback. WHAT?!?!?!? They also reached for Devin Hester in the second round to return kicks. Why? He won't even break into their dime package. Dusty Dvoracek is an aight pick but he's pretty unathletic for a DT.

Cincinatti Bengals
Status: Loser

They made a good pick in Jonathan joseph in the first round. Joseph could be a very good CB for years. However, the picks afterwards are nothing to write home about. Except for maybe their 5th round pick of LB AJ Nicholson. Not much of an athlete but the guy can play. Btw, these guys drafted a DE named Frostee Rucker. Sounds like someone you'd find in one of the Friday movies.

Denver Broncos
Status: Loser

They traded up to get Jay Cutler. I don't know. Correct me if I'm wrong but Jay Cutler kind of reminds me of someone they have on their roster. YES, HE REMINDS ME OF JAKE THE SNAKE. Why would you want to trade up to get basically the same player you have on your roster. I swear Shanahan confounds me sometimes. They also traded a second round pick for WR Javon Walker. Now Javon Walker can be really good but you also have to understand that this guy is coming of ACL surgery. Ouch.

Detroit Lions
Status: Winner

They are winners just for the mere fact that Millen didn't pick a WR in the first round. Congrats, dumbass. However they had a pretty solid draft. Picking Ernie Sims in the first round gives them a nice young LB core in Sims, Boss Bailey, and Lehman. Thing is, they all gotta stay healthy. They also picked a few players I like in S Daniel Bullocks, RB Brian Calhoun, and OT Jonathan Scott.

Green Bay
Status: Winner

They got who I think is the best defensive player in this draft in LB A.J. Hawk. The white people in Green Bay are going to love him. That's not as racist as it sounds on my part, is it? They also drafted an O-lineman that I loved in Daryn colledge. Also, they are going to try to replace Javon Walker with two WRs that I feel have a boatload of potential in Greg Jennings and Wil Blackmon. They also got another solid LB out of this draft in Abdul Hodge. Not bad, if you ask me.

Houston Texans
Status: Average

They would've been winners if they had the second pick overall in the draft. Instead, they had the first pick and picked Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. WHAT?!?!?!? They passed up on drafting Jesus in cleats. Ridiculous. However they had a very solid draft. Demeco Ryans in the second and they tried to address their O-line problems in the third with Eric Winston and Charles Spencer. I like Winston alot.

Kansas City Chiefs
Status: Loser

When they picked Tamba Hali in the first round, my friend Tom broke out laughing. "I can't believe Herman Edwards is going to ruin the Chiefs through the draft too. Chief fans will feel the pain I felt the past few years." Chief fans, your only hope is in the present.

New Orleans Saints
Status: Winner

Bush dropping to them automatically makes them winners. They had a solid draft though beyond that. When Reggie holds out of training camp for money, fans will have a been there, done that type of attitude. Why? He'll be the second Bush not to show up on time in New Orleans. I'll be here all day, folks.

Philedelphia Eagles
Status: Winner

They had a scary good draft. They needed another DT to put next to Patterson and Brodrick Bunkley is as good as it gets. They addressed the Offensive line with Winston Justice and Gilles. They also addressed the WR spot with nice late round picks in Jason Avant and Jeremy Bloom. I hate them.

San Francisco 49ers
Status: Winner

They got Alex Smith a legit weapon in Vernon Davis. KLACK KLACK. They draft a player that can help them on the defensive end. KLACK KLACK. They draft a WR that they hope can replace Brandon Lloyd in Bradon Williams. If you've seen Vernon Davis in that Under Armour commercial, you know what I'm talking about. His biceps are bigger then my head. When he says KLACK KLACK, it's the scariest thing I've ever seen. However, 2 seconds earlier in the same commercial, you see Jay Cutler doing some running drill saying KLACK KLACK. Funniest thing I saw all day. Honestly, Jay Cutler wearing Under Armour isn't going to inspire or motivate anyone to work out and to buy their products. In fact, Cutler looked like an elementary school student compared to other athletes in that commercial. LOL. That commercial covered a broad spectrum of emotions.

Tennessee Titans
Status: Winner

Vince Young might take a minute to develop but I'm positive he'll develop. Lendale White in the second round? A steal in my opinion. But where they really won was in the middle part of the draft where they selected LBs Tulloch and Nande. Especially Nande. The man is a beast.

Washington Redskins
Status: Loser

WTF. No First round picks and they move up in the second round to pick Rocky McIntosh? LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Snyder, you suck. I'm almost positive he wanted two rockys on that team. Rock Cartwright is still on the Redskins, right? They need to have a Contender special with these two guys fighting it out.